


GLITCH

by Leshy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Eventual Boyf riends, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Temporary Amnesia, This is a fix it of sorts, temporary meaning he does remember don't worry, though the comfort is coming later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-02-01 14:45:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12707103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leshy/pseuds/Leshy
Summary: Jeremy forgets everythingBut maybe that's what he needs to be able to start making things right againMaybe it's what they all need





	1. RESET

**Author's Note:**

> I'M ON AN ANGST TRAIN YO  
> but for real i've been wanting to do a fic more rooted in canon for awhile so here have this??  
> i refuse to believe they're all okay after the whole thing, so i'm gonna make em talk about it and heal and shit  
> but first i have to break them  
> this is kinda canon divergence, but i'll delve more into that later  
> enjoy!!
> 
> ALSO idc how overused amnesia is as a fic trope i fucking love it i have a whole other au where it's a key plot point fight me

It’s a normal morning. A normal morning to a normal day when Jeremy gets up for school. He pulls on his jeans, picks out a t-shirt from his closet. He goes to grab his cardigan where it’s slung over the back of his desk chair, because that’s where he always leaves it. But it’s not there. He looks in his closet and finds it on a clothes hanger. He shrugs it off, not the first time he’s put something someplace else the day before and forgotten just because it wasn’t his usual routine. He goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth and fix his hair. He opens the bathroom door and comes face to face with his reflection. The bags under his eyes are a little more bruise like than he remembers, but maybe he had an unrestful sleep last night? He can’t really recall having any bad dreams or anything. Doesn't recall much of the previous evening really. He shrugs it off, brushes his teeth and tries to fix his messy hair. He lets it be once he makes it stay out of his face. It keeps trying to fall into his eyes, as if it’s been like that for ages. He wets his hand a little and runs it trough his bangs one final time, smiling a little as it stays mostly in place. He leaves the bathroom to grab his backpack from his room before heading downstairs.  
‘’Ah morning son! I’m running late, no time for salutes. I’ll see you later, have a nice day!’’ his dad says in a rush, disappearing out the door. That’s…odd, Jeremy thinks. His dad hasn’t really been out for ages, besides a few runs to the store and some meetings he absolutely can’t avoid. He didn’t say anything about something along those lines last night. Or at least, Jeremy thinks he didn’t. He must have forgotten. Jeremy shrugs it off as he pops a couple of slices of bread in the toaster and gets himself some juice from the fridge. The small breakfast is eaten quickly, his stomach starting up it’s daily anxiety induced churning as the time to catch the bus draws closer. He pulls on his sneakers and shoves his hands deep into his pockets, curling them into fists to steel himself for the bus ride. He locks the door behind him and starts the small walk to the bus stop. It’s a little chilly outside. Colder than yesterday. Maybe he should have grabbed his jacket. Autumn is coming in early this year. The bus pulls up an he gets on with no more fuss.

When Jeremy steps into the school building he’s relieved to spot Michael almost immediately. He was afraid he wouldn’t get to see him before lunch. His headphones are on and his hood is up, as per usual. His backpack is slung over one shoulder and there seems to be something…written on it? Is that sharpie? Jeremy walks closer, until he's within range to make contact without having to shout to be heard over Michaels music.  
‘’Hey Michael!’’ he says, as brightly as ever. Michael whips around so fast that Jeremy is afraid his headphones might fall off. He looks caught off guard. Jeremy feels a pang of guilt for having startled his friend.  
‘’Uh….hey?’’ he says, confused. Michaels eyebrows are furrowed and his frown is so deep Jeremy is worried his face might get stuck like that. He doesn’t see that expression on his friends face often. Jeremy frowns back at him as Michael lifts one side of his headphones off, leaving one hear free so he can hear what Jeremy has to say. It feels oddly standoffish. Something Michael does to others, but not to him.  
‘’What’s up with you?’’ Jeremy asks him, raising an eyebrow. Michael looks dumbstruck for a moment before an edge of annoyance creeps onto his face, and into his voice.  
‘’What’s up with me?’’ he asks sarcastically, and Jeremy feels as if the ground beneath his feet has suddenly crumbled away, left him balancing precariously on air. One wrong move and he’ll plummet into the nothingness.  
‘’Yeah-‘’ Jeremy starts, but is cut off as Rich basically skids to a halt next to them. Jeremy winces on instinct, drawing away from Rich, bringing his arms in close to his chest.  
‘’Michael! You’ll never believe-‘’ Rich is saying even before he comes to a proper halt before them. But Michaels eyes are trained on Jeremy. His gaze frozen and his face unreadable. Rich stops and turns to look at Jeremy too.  
‘’Hey Jeremy, when did you start talking to Michael?’’ Rich asks, as if this entire situation wasn’t bizarre enough already.  
‘’What-what’s that s-supposed to me-ean?’’ Jeremy stammers out, his eyebrow twitching just a little at Richs’ lisp.  
‘’He’s m-my be-est f-f-friend.’’ Jeremy continues, face reddening and shoulders drawing up. Body tensing. Rich looks at him, eyes wide. He glances at Michael, only to find Michael looking back at him with the same confused expression. He finally takes the headphones off completely, letting them rest around his neck. The hood comes down shortly after.  
‘’Jeremy…do you feel okay?’’ Michael asks him, previous apprehension gone. Jeremy takes a moment to really think about that question. Does he feel okay? Well, why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t… Oh. No he doesn’t feel okay, even beyond the confusion of this moment. He feels very far from okay.  
‘’Everything’s been…off. All morning.’’ he eventually admits, trying to keep the uneasy feeling at bay, even as it builds in the back of his throat.  
‘’I couldn’t find my cardigan and oh!’’ Jeremy says, suddenly perking up as he remembers something important.  
‘’My dad was wearing pants this morning! And he left the house.’’ he says, looking at Michael, expecting to find the same sort of disbelief he had felt himself upon seeing it. Instead he finds, well, disbelief of a different kind all together. An incredulous stare, as if Jeremy himself was the odd one, not his dad.  
‘’Jeremy…what day is it?’’ Rich asks. Jeremy still can’t quite get past the lisp Rich now seems to sport. He cann’t really bring himself to take his eyes off of Rich just yet either. Too many instances of leaving his guard down ending in bruised skin.  
‘’Uhh, Wednesday?’’ he says, pretty sure that his first lesson of the day is math, and he hates math, so that means Wednesday.  
‘’Yeah but like, what date is it?’’ Michael elaborates, and when did Rich and Michael become so close that they’re on the same train of thought? Jeremy tries not to let the weirdness get to him any further as he wracks his brain for the answer. It takes longer than he feels is necessary, but eventually he finds a number that feels right.  
‘’Uuuuh, September 16th?’’ he answers. Michael inhales sharply, and Jeremy snaps his attention to him immediately.  
‘’What?’’ he asks, getting more and more freaked out by the panicked look on his best friends face.  
‘’Jeremy, it’s January 27th.’’ Rich says, slowly, hands held out in front of him as if he’s dealing with a spooked out animal. He might as well be with the panicked expression spreading over Jeremys face.  
‘’What?!’’ he whisper-yells. His fear of Rich is temporarily forgotten as he deals with the revelation.  
‘’I’m pretty sure you’ve like, lost your memory?’’ Michael suggests in a low voice, looking as skeptical as Jeremy feels.  
‘’Are you guys fucking with me?’’ Jeremy asks desperately, voice still a whisper, waving his arms a little.  
‘’No!'' Rich whisper yells back, but Jeremy ignores him, eyes trained on Michael. He shakes his head no as well, and Jeremy accepts it.  
‘'What the fuck?’’ is the next whispered sentence out of his mouth, and Michael can only shrug helplessly.  
‘’And, what? You made friends with Rich in the months I can’t remember?’’ Jeremy continues questioning, voice still low, looking to Rich who only helplessly shrugs just like Michael. At least Jeremy can admit he doesn’t really appear as scary as usual. He’s more subdued, for lack of a better word. Not as intense. His stance is more open instead of threatening. He looks…friendly.  
‘’How?’’ Jeremy whispers, an edge of hysteria to his voice that has Michael wincing in sympathy.  
‘’Oh dude you have no idea!’’ Rich whispers back, laughing a little. Michael shoots him a glare.  
‘’Also why are we whispering?’’ he continues, voice back to a normal volume. Michael opens his mouth to say something when the first bell rings.  
‘’Shit, we need to get to class.’’ Michael says. Jeremy still feels lost, maybe even more than he felt this morning. The feeling of unease that follows him around school daily is cranked up to the max, and he feels physically sick. The lump at the back of hit throat is threatening to cut off his airways at any given moment.  
‘’Dude, we’ll talk at lunch, stay out of trouble.’’ Michael instructs him, before disappearing down the hall. Leaving Jeremy and Rich. Jeremy watches Michael go, his eyes catching on the letters on his backpack. Riend. What the fuck is a Riend?  
‘’See you at lunch dude.’’ Rich says, heading down the hall in the opposite direction. Jeremy sighs, and heads to class himself. It feels like he’s floating trough the air, a sense of de ja vu settling in his stomach. It only helps to unsettle him even further. The hallway seems unreal, a painted backdrop to a scene that’s not really happening. The people he passes are nothing but extras, faceless, nameless. He catches his reflection in a window and for a moment he doesn’t recognize himself. He makes eye contact with his reflection and the feeling of unease grow tenfold. He looks away quickly.

The day so far has been…weird. The thing is he knows exactly where they are in every class. It’s like he hasn’t missed a day of school. It’s like he’s been paying attention. Very diligently, even. But he clearly is missing a good chunk of time if what he’s seeing now is reality. Michael is sitting at a lunch table. With Rich, predictably. But also with Christine Canigula. And Jenna Rolan, Chloe Valentine, and Brooke Lhost. And Jake Dillinger…in a wheelchair? Jeremy swallows the lump in his throat and approaches. The conversation stops immediately as he comes to a halt in front of the table, in a way that clearly states they were talking about him just before he arrived. They’re all staring at him, and it’s just making him more nervous. His hands are shaking, he can feel the sweat gathering on his forehead, and worst of all, he can feel his cheeks prickling with heat. With shame. He starts turning away.  
‘’S-s-sorry, I’ll ju-u-u-ust go-o.’’ he stutters out, the stares becoming too much to handle. His legs feel like they’ll give out if he tries standing still for much longer.  
‘’Wait.’’ Michael says, reaching one hand out to stop him. It’s a familiar voice, a familiar person, in the maelstrom of oddness that has suddenly become his life. He stops. Michael pulls out the chair next to him and Jeremy sits down with only a little hesitation. He leans towards Michael, seeking out the comfort of familiarity. His gaze is glued to the table.  
‘’Okay, so, we were just talking about what might have happened to you.’’ Michael explains, leaving out any and all detail, really. Jeremy lets his eyes scan over the people gathered around the table, and finds it a truly odd ensemble, before returning it back down. Avoiding eye contact.  
‘’What do you remember about yesterday?’’ Brooke asks, voice light and friendly. It still scares him a little. She’s just…intimidating. In the pretty way. In the I could ruin your school career way.  
‘’I-it was just li-ike an-n-ny other day.’’ Jeremy says helplessly, shrugging a little. Chloe frowns where she sits next to Brooke, and Jeremy shrinks in on himself. They’re all looking at him oddly. But not in a cruel way, more like concerned. And that’s just even more off putting.  
‘’What…what happened?’’ Jeremy asks them, before they can ask him anything else. He needs answers. He only gets confused stares in reply.  
‘’So-something must have ha-appened in th-the time I’m m-m-missing.’’ he tries to explain, pushing trough the stuttering, trying his hardest to feel at ease around these people, because Michael does, so me must too. Because Michael and him are a package deal.  
‘’Well-‘’ Christine starts, but Michael cuts her off.  
‘’That’s not important. What’s important is figuring out what’s up with your head, dude.’’ he says, ignoring the various looks from the others. Jeremy is too focused on Michael to notice them, finding that he feels the most at ease when his eyes are trained on his friend. When he pretends the others are just background.  
‘’Shouldn’t I like, go to a doctor or something? If I have amnesia?’’ Jeremy questions, only to be swiftly shut down by Rich demanding,  
‘’Wait, let me see your arms.’’ while reaching across the table. Jeremy hesitates, but a nudge from Michael spurs him into action, although hesitantly. He tentatively stretches his cardigan clad arms out across the table. Rich grabs his right wrist and yanks the sleeve up. The others around the table make various noises of shock. Jeremy stares down at his bare arm in an emotion he has become too familiar with and feels he won’t get rid of soon, confusion.  
‘’What?’’ he asks, looking around the table.  
‘’Scars.’’ Michael says, reaching out and following an invisible line with his finger on the inside of Jeremys wrist. He trails it halfway up his arm before stopping. Jeremy stares at the pale expanse of skin, only noticing a few moles here and there. The faint scar from crashing on his bicycle in 6th grade.  
‘’What scars?’’ Jeremy asks, only to be answered with silence. He looks at Michael again, only to find his best friends soft gaze staring back, some odd mix of pity and confusion in those warm brown eyes. Everything feels off kilter.  
‘’Am I going crazy?’’ he questions quietly, sounding lost even to his own ears, and definitely not expecting an answer.  
‘’No, but there’s something weird going on.’’ Michael answers anyway. He raise his arm, stops and retracts it just a little, then continues the motion. Settling it across Jeremys shoulders in a familiar and comforting position. The tension in Jeremys back bleeds away as he retracts his arms, pulling down the sleeve and letting his thumb run over the inside of his wrist in a nervous tick. It's smooth and blemish free. He feels his rapid heartbeat underneath his thumb. He leans closer to Michael, not noticing the stiffness in his fiends posture. 

The end of the day sneaks up on him, the classes flying by with the knowledge that he’s missing at least three entire months of time. He pushes the thought back yet again, trying not to let the overwhelming sense of unease push him over the edge. He walks to his locker, gets the books he needs and heads for the main entrance. The chill of the outside air hits him, and he’s reminded that it’s January. Not September. He shivers.  
‘’Were’s your jacket?’’ Michael asks, catching Jeremy off guard and making him jump just a little. He turns to Michael as he pulls his hood down.  
‘’I…I forgot it.’’ Jeremy admits, a little ashamed. Not really needing to elaborate further.  
‘’Yeah, makes sense.’’ Michael answers, then falls silent. It feels…awkward isn’t the exact right word, but Jeremy isn’t as at ease in this silence like he has been before. It doesn’t really help with the weirdness of, well, everything.  
‘’Want me to drive you home?’’ Michael asks, shoving his hands in his pockets.  
‘’Really?’’ Jeremy asks, not knowing exactly what to expect of this…different version of Michael. This three months older than him Michael. He’s not terribly different, but there’s something that seems to be constantly on his mind. Not for the first time Jeremy feels as if he’s been unceremoniously dropped into a parallel universe.  
‘’Sure! You’ll freeze your ass off otherwise.’’ Michael says, almost nonchalantly, before heading out into the parking lot. Jeremy rushes to follow. It’s odd, not really knowing where he stands with Michael, because it’s not something he’s had to actively think about before. Michael is just Michael, and Michael has never been anything but someone safe. Someone constant.  
‘’Thanks dude, you’re a lifesaver.’’ Jeremy says earnestly, bumping his shoulder with Michael in a friendly manner.  
‘’No problemo.’’ Michael replies, a half smile forming on his lips. He unlocks the car and Jeremy slides into the passenger seat like he’s done so many times before. He ends up sitting on something. He lifts his hips and grabs the book that had been occupying the seat, leaning back and putting it in the backseat.  
‘’Sorry, forgot i left it there.’’ Michael says. Jeremy feels a stab of…something. Hurt? Maybe. Confusion? Definitely. He’s very tired of that second one. Michael pulls out of the parking lot in silence. The drive is short, uneventful.  
‘’Did we ever beat level nine?’’ Jeremy asks, glancing at Michael.  
‘’No.’’ he answers, and Jeremy looks away again. Wracking his brain for anything to say. Like he’s almost never had to do before. It makes something in his stomach twist uncomfortably. Not because he can’t find anything to fill the silence, but because he feels a need to do so in the first place.  
‘’…Jake’s in a wheelchair.’’ he says next, because he never was all that smart apparently. But it's been tumbling around in the back of his head all day.  
‘’Uh, yeah.’’ Michael says, hands gripping the steering wheel a little tighter.  
‘’He was in a house fire, had to jump out a window.’’ Michael explains. Short and to the point. Voice clipped.  
‘’Oh.’’ Jeremy says, and leaves it at that. His house comes into view, Michael pulls up along the curb so he can jump out.  
‘’Thanks for the ride. I’ll see you tomorrow?’’ Jeremy asks, trying not to sound too pathetic by letting his hopefulness shine trough. His face feels just a little too warm, but he hopes Michael will think it’s the cold and his lack of a jacket.  
‘’Yeah, sure dude.’’ Michael answers, giving him a tight smile before driving off. Jeremy is left standing there staring after him, the cold creeping into his bones. He turns and heads for the front door.

‘’I think I know what’s up.’’ Rich says from where he’s seated on the floor of Michaels living room.  
‘’It’s the squip. Or some lingering…something.’’ he kind of explains as the others just keep staring at him.  
‘’What do you mean?’’ Jenna asks, a little frustrated.  
‘’The fact that he can’t remember anything? He can’t even see his scars? Sounds like the squip manipulating his brain. Sounds like optic nerve blocking.’’ Rich continues. Michael tries to hide his wince at the words. Dredging up memories he'd rather forget at this moment. There are more important things to focus on.  
‘’But we got rid of it, didn’t we?’’ Jake asks, looking around at the group.  
‘’Did we?’’ Christine asks. Her memories of the infamous incident known as ‘The Play’ are limited. The only ones who have mostly interference free memories are Michael and Jeremy, and Jeremy…well. She looks to Michael.  
‘’Christine drank the mountain dew red, and the shared connection made it so that the shut down was spread to everyone else, right?’’ Jake looks to Michael for confirmation, and he nods along. It’s the most plausible theory he’s been able to come up with.  
‘'But Jeremy was still the one with the main control in his head. What if it didn’t get rid of everything?’’ Rich finishes, and Michael hates to say it, but it makes sense. They might have all been connected, but Jeremy was the source.  
‘’So how do we fix this?’’ Brooke asks, saying aloud what’s on everyones minds.  
‘’More mountain dew red?’’ Rich suggests, looking at Michael.  
‘’Will that give him his memories back?’’ Michael asks.  
‘’I mean, probably? It won’t hurt him, so there’s no reason to not try it, right?’’ Rich says, shrugging a little. The others nodding along. Michael stays silent, looking thoughtful,  
‘’What if it’s best that he doesn’t remember?’’ he pipes up, the others stare.  
‘’What?’’ Jake asks, incredulous.  
‘’He’s…talking to us, to me. What if this is better?’’ Michael says, the conflict raging in him coming through in his voice. It’s uncertain, hesitant, and he can’t look a them directly. But something in him has missed Jeremy. Missed his best friend. Brooke looks at him with sad, understanding eyes.  
‘’Better that he forget everything we went trough?’’ Rich argues, voice edging on anger, on the verge of getting up from his seat just to get his point across.  
‘’I don’t know!’’ Michael bursts out, he places his head in his hands. Gripping at his hair in frustration.  
‘’I don’t know.’’ he whispers. A hand lands on his shoulder, and he peeks out to see Christine where she’s sitting next to him. She gives him a supportive smile.  
‘’I…I want to talk to him about everything. I want him to understand what he did, I want to understand why he did it. I want him to apologize. Properly. I want us to be fiends again. So what if this is better?’’ Michael whispers, eyes trained on Christine. Her dark eyes are comforting, her arm around him secure.  
‘’I don’t think forgetting is the best option here.’’ she admits, softly. Michael sighs.  
‘’What if he goes back to the way he was?’’ he asks, not to anyone in particular, but he feels like he needs an answer. It feels like it’s been forever since Jeremy woke up in that hospital, forever since they last had a proper conversation. Forever since they spent time together. Forever since Jeremy had even looked his way. Michael had made his mind up about their first conversation. He was just waiting for Jeremy to come talk to him. For them to finally make up. And now…nothing is going like he thought it would. He’s sick of waiting.  
‘’Then we talk to him, I’ve had enough anyway.’’ Jake says decisively.  
‘’Is that gonna work?’’ Michael asks him, and Jake only shrugs back.  
‘’Is any of this gonna work? Michael, we’re dealing with things we don’t fully understand, but we have to try. Right?’’ Christine asks him, and he turns to look at her. She looks no more sure than he feels, but it’s enough, it has to be enough. He wants Jeremy back. One way or another.  
‘’I need…I need to think about this.’’ Michael decides. The others don’t argue with him.

Michael asks Jeremy to come home with him that Friday. For a regular night of snacks and gaming. Something familiar. Something they can both fall into routine with. He hopes to the high heavens that it’ll help. He just…he needs this. A familiar touchstone. Something so common and mundane that maybe it’ll… he doesn't know what he hopes to achieve exactly, but it feels important. He feels a desperate need for something normal. The doorbell rings and he heads to the front door to unlock it.  
‘’Hey! I brought snacks!’’ Jeremy says, bright smile and blue eyes shining with joy. In his left hand he’s brandishing a plastic bag laden with what he can only assume is chips, chocolate, and any and all other variant of unhealthy ingredients packed into sugary treats. It almost makes Michael do a double take again. He seems…normal. Something in his stomach settles just a little. Jeremy raises his right hand and it takes a moment for Michael to register what it means. He high fives him, lets his hand fall to meet Jeremys again, and by the time they’ve knocked their ankles together in that oh so familiar handshake, the world has almost righted itself back into a familiar flow. Michael steps aside to let his best friend in.  
‘’How’s your dad?’’ Michael asks. It’s been an often revisited topic throughout the week. Another one of those major changes Jeremy can’t seem to wrap his head around.  
‘’As weirdly normal as, well, never. He’s fully dressed and out the door by the time I’ve had breakfast. Chipper. It’s kinda creepy. Not that I want him back to how I remember him, this is better, definitely.’’ Jeremy explains as they head down the staircase to the basement. Michael in front and Jeremy following.  
‘’Yeah, I guess it was all about taking that first step.’’ Michael comments. Picking and choosing his words carefully.  
’’Do you remember why?’’ Jeremy asks as he deposits the bag in front of the tv.  
‘’Why what?’’ Michael asks back.  
‘’Why he changed.’’ Jeremy clarifies, standing around, unsure of what to do with himself as Michael searches the shelf of games.  
‘’I think he did it for you.’’ Michael answers, facing away from Jeremy, trying to locate Apocalypse of the Damned. He’d shelved it after the halloween party.  
‘’For me?’’ Jeremy repeats, sounding both awed and incredulous.  
‘’Yeah.’’ Michael agrees with a small laugh, finally locating the game and pulling it down from the shelf. He turns to Jeremy, who’s still standing next to the bag of snacks. Arms loosely folded in front of him, holding around himself. Face turned away from Michael, eyes distant.  
‘’This morning he told me I seemed happier. And that it made him happy.’’ he says, and Michael feels at a loss for words. He feels the gap between them, like a physical presence. Like a deep dark ravine. Anything he tries to throw across gets lost in the darkness.  
‘’Hey, Michael?’’ Jeremy finally pipes up.  
‘’Yeah?’’ he says. Jeremy turns his head to look at him properly, something burning in his eyes. Then he closes them, smiles wide,  
‘’Let’s kick some zombie ass.’’ he says, the words slightly forced.  
‘’…Yeah.’’ Michael agrees, popping the case open.

‘’Oh hey, I found something yesterday.’’ Jeremy says after playing trough level nine for the eleventh time. Michael looks at him with a raise eyebrow. Jeremy drags over his backpack, digging around in it until he pulls out something wrapped in violently red wrapping paper.  
‘’I think it was supposed to be a christmas gift? It says it’s for you. I guess I didn’t get a chance to give it to you? I don’t even remember buying it.’’ Jeremy rambles, one hand fiddling with the hem of his cardigan as he holds the present out with the other. Michael accepts it. He holds it in his hands, staring down at it. On the paper there’s only four words scribbles on in sharpie. Jeremys messy handwriting recognizable.  
To Mikey  
From Jer  
‘’Well, you gonna open it?’’ Jeremy asks him, leaning over a little to get a better view.  
‘’You’re not scared it’s gonna be something embarrassing?’’ Michael asks, trying not to let his worry come trough in his voice.  
‘’Well now that you’ve said it I am.’’ Jeremy whines, which makes Michael laugh. Easing his worry just a little.  
‘’I’ve changed my mind, give it back.’’ Jeremy says, voice just edging enough outside of seriousness to let Michael know he’s joking.  
‘’Nope. Definitely not.’’ Michael retorts, laughter in his voice still. Jeremy leans over further, making grabby hands at the gift.  
‘’Nooooooooo.’’ he whines, over dramatically flopping over Michael as he leans further over, basically lying on top of him. Michael leans back until he’s almost horizontal, keeping it away from Jeremy.  
‘’Suffer!’’ Michael exclaims, his laughter now bubbling forth freely. He keeps hold of the gift with one hand, freeing the other to sneak down and poke Jeremy in the side. Jeremy squeaks, struggling to right himself and get away from the danger. Micael follows, wriggling his fingers along Jeremys ribs, making the other boy laugh.  
‘’Stop!’’ Jeremy yells in-between his giggles, swatting at Michael and trying to scrabble away from the onslaught. Michael keeps at it for just a little longer before retreating, smirking at Jeremy. Jeremy collapses backwards, going limp, still seated in the beanbag, head and upper body now resting on the floor as he catches his breath. He raises one hand to flip Michael off. Michael is hit by a sense of de ja vu. He dismisses it.  
‘’Can I open it now?’’ he asks the heap of gangly limbs that is Jeremy. Said boy heaves himself back into an spright position before nodding to Michael. He leans back over again, to get a better look at the mysterious present. Michael tears into the wrapping paper, removing the layer of red and then the layer of blue tissue paper underneath that. What he’s left with gives him pause. Jeremy hums in surprise.  
‘’Magic the Gathering?’’ he says out loud. Michael reaches into the mess of blue tissue paper to pick up the card. He flips it over.  
‘’That’s…’’ Jeremy trails off, feeling a weird sense of dread creeping up on him.  
‘’The one you gave me. When no one remembered.’’ Michael says, studying the drawing, the small printed words.  
‘’Why would I give you another?’’ Jeremy questions innocently. Michael feels his chest constrict.  
‘’I…lost it, the other one.’’ he confesses. It feels like a lie, even though it’s true that it’s gone now.  
Gone forever. No way to bring it back. Except here it is. The same, but different. None of the worn down edges, none of the lines from being bent, none of the small tears from years of carrying it in his wallet. It’s brand new. No trace of the years he spent with it. None of the changes. He flips it over again, and finds exactly what he’s looking for. That familiar messy handwriting, at the very bottom, cramped onto the small line of the brown border.  
‘best friends forever’  
It too is the same, but different. It’s not the extremely messy and uncoordinated writing that had been on the original, it’s a little neater. Written in black ink instead of blue. It pulls at his heart, painfully. Jeremys phone buzzes.  
‘’Shit.’’ he says, and Michael glances over. His head feels full of cotton and his movements sluggish.  
‘’Sorry dude, I’ve gotta go.’’ Jeremy says, and Michael can only find it in himself to nod.  
‘’I can come back tomorrow?’’ he suggests, and again Michael nods. Jeremy doesn’t really notice as he gathers his bag and heads for the stairs.  
‘’See ya dude!’’ he shouts over his shoulder, and Michael comes back to himself just enough to throw out,  
‘’See ya!’’ and then Jeremy is gone. The silence he leaves in his wake is deafening. The empty space a gaping hole. Michael places the card on the floor next to him, and is about to crumple the mess of paper in his other hand when he spots a small piece of notebook paper tucked away in the folds of blue. He picks it up, unfolds it.

Michael,  
this isn’t an apology, because you deserve better  
but i want you to have this  
Jeremy

He stares at it for god knows how long, wipes his eyes, looks to the staircase again. Almost as if he’s expecting to see Jeremy standing there. He isn’t, of course. Michael shakes his head. As if he can shake everything out, leave his head empty and quiet for once. It doesn’t work, predictably. He sits there frozen for a little while. Feeling the loneliness. He picks the card back up again, and goes to find his wallet. Once he's tucked it safely away into the empty slot left behind by the old card, he fishes his phone out of his pocket and calls the first person he can think of.  
‘’Hey Mikey! What’s up? Need the cavalry to come help you with a level?’’ Christines cheerful voice answers on the other end.  
‘’Nah, I'm good, I just…needed to talk to someone.’’ he answers, wandering over to his bed so he can collapse on top of it. Christine is silent for a bit.  
‘'This is about Jeremy, isn’t it?’’ she eventually says, and Michael sighs. An answer in and of itself.  
‘’Okay, spill it to me baby.’’ she says. Michael snorts a little.  
‘’We hung out, played Apocalypse of the Damned. Almost like old times.’’ Michael begins recounting the tale.  
‘’But?’’ Christine prompts.  
‘’He…he gave me a belated christmas gift.’’ Michael says, the memory of the small fire that had claimed the original burning bright behind his eyes.  
‘’And?’’ Christine prompts again.  
‘’It was this thing that kinda meant a lot to me? That I burnt? I didn't know he knew I’d gotten rid of it even.’’ Michael rambles.  
‘’He doesn’t know why it’s gone, even though it's because of him.’’ Michael says, mostly just out loud to himself, but Christine listens.  
‘’You're still torn on what to do.'' she tells him, not that he doesn't know, but it’s good to know she understands.  
‘’What if it’s better like this? He seems so much happier now, not remembering anything that happened. What if it’s best that he stays that way?’’ Michael asks, feeling the pain bloom in his chest even as he says it. But all he can think of is the way Jeremy had smiled and laughed as he sat next to him. How he’d missed that. He thinks of the gaping wound in his chest that can’t be forgotten. It feels like he's put a stupid amount of weight on one single apology, but it feels so important. Still…  
‘’And you’re the one who gets to decide that?’’ she asks him, reasonably enough.  
‘’He’s my best friend.’’ Michael says.  
‘’He’s a person, Michael. And you said it yourself. Are you really gonna be able to let this lie? Never get the apology you want? Never actually talk about what happened?’’ Christine questions, and the worst part is that she’s right. He stays quiet.  
‘’I’ll see you around.’’ she says before hanging up. Michael keeps the phone to his ear for a little while longer, staring at the ceiling. 

On Saturday, Michael sets a bottle of mountain dew red on his nightstand. He doesn’t know what he’ll do, but he has it there. At the ready. Just in case. The doorbell rings, he hears his mom open the door and let Jeremy in, then the door to the basement opens up and he hears footsteps decending the stairs.  
‘’Hey Michael!’’ Jeremy greets him, as brightly as the day before. He smiles back.  
‘'Michael I’m heading into town to run some errands, do you need anything?’’ his mom calls down from the doorway.  
‘’I'm good, thanks!’' he calls back, following Jeremy with his eyes as he drops his backpack and settles down in the other beanbag chair. His eyes catch on the bottle, and the words churn in the back of his head, trying to claw their way out of his mouth. He feels raw and open, like he might be bleeding already. Jeremy looks at him, face open and relaxed. Like he used to be. Like nothing ever happened.  
’’I need to tell you something.’’ Michael says.  
‘’Sure dude.’’ Jeremy answers, tilting his head a little, looking inquisitive.  
‘’We…I…haven’t been honest with you.’’ Michael forcers out. The words don't come easy, not that he was expecting them to. But it feels like a struggle to get past each syllable.  
‘’Something did happen, that you don’t remember, something major. And you were, you were kind of a dick, to me. And you hurt me.’’ Michael begins, his heart bleeding with each word. It makes him feel lighter, in a terrible way. In a marvelous way. Light enough to float away. His eyes can’t seem to focus on anything.  
‘'And afterwards you refused to talk to me, and I was waiting for you to. I know you have your side of the story and I was just waiting for you to tell me so I could understand.’’ He continues, not looking at Jeremy, not looking at his afce. He feels terrible for lying. The past few days have been a rollercoaster of emotions and he’s so exhausted already. The ups and downs have left him a wreck, so he sits there, and he flays his heat open for Jeremy. Jeremy, who doesn’t even know.It’s like a cruel joke.  
‘’So You could apologize and I could forgive you. So we could be friends again.’’ he finishes. He keeps the tears at bay, and dares to glance at Jeremy. He isn't looking at Michael, instead staring straight ahead.  
‘’I found a journal.’’ he says, and Michael blinks.  
‘’A… journal?’’ he repeats slowly, trying to wrap his head around it.  
‘’Yeah. It’s in my handwriting and everything. Exactly where only I would think to hide it.’' Jeremy says, a small humorless smile on his lips.  
‘'And it keeps referencing something terrible that I did. Something you would never forgive me for. It never says anything specific, but it sounds…terrible.’’ Jeremy says, frowning as he utters the last word. As if it leaves a bad taste in his mouth.  
‘'I did something to you, to everyone. And I don't think I deserve to be forgiven.’’ he finishes, finally turning to look at Michael. His voice is odd, detached almost. As if he’s retelling something. In a way he is.  
‘’Why didn’t you say anything?’’ Michael asks, voice mostly confused, trying desperately to keep the anger at bay.  
‘’You seemed content with how things were. With forgetting about it, and just…keep going like we are now.’’ Jeremy explains, picking at the skin on his fingers, eyes downcast.  
‘’It seemed easier for you to let me believe I hadn’t done anything. And if I’m honest? I’m scared.’’ he says, voice growing smaller and smaller as he continues.  
‘’Not just scared, terrified.’’ Jeremy says, real terror in his voice, terror in his eyes as he looks up again to lock eyes with Michael.  
‘’I’m terrified of what it is I’ve done that made me think you, of all people, could hate me so much you’d never forgive me. I was scared it was true. And that’s…selfish of me, I know. But if you want to talk about it, then I get it. I did something, something none of you will talk about, but it’s something I should apologize for. But it’s sort of a hollow apology if I don’t even know what I did.’’ Jeremy rants, finishing with a small crooked smile and glistening eyes. He looks so small and frightened. Deep down Michael feels like this is cruel. Forcing him to relive possibly the worst mistake of his life. But…  
‘’So you want to know?’’ he asks, because he needs to know. Jeremy takes a deep breath, visibly steels himself for what he's going to say next.  
‘’If that’s the options you’re giving me, knowing or letting it go, then yeah. I want to know.’’ Jeremy says  
‘’Okay.’’ Michael says.  
‘’Okay.’’ Jeremy repeats. Michael gets up, picks the mountain dew red off of the nightstand and walks back he says, handing the bottle out for Jeremy to accept.  
‘’Here.’’ he says. Jeremy takes it and Michael sits back down.  
‘’Mountain dew red?’’ he asks, glancing at Michael  
‘’Yeah, if what we think is right, then you’ll get your memories back if you drink it.’’ Michael answers. Jeremy raises a skeptical eyebrow even as he opens the bottle.  
‘’I know it sounds crazy, but do you trust me?’’ Michael asks, putting one hand on Jeremys left arm.  
‘’Duh.’’ Jeremy says, raising the drink to his lips.  
‘’It might hurt.’’ Michael warns, eyes following along anxiously. The grip on Jeremys arm tightening.  
‘’That’s fine.’’ Jeremy says, not stopping. Michael thinks to himself that he doesn’t understand how much it’s really gonna hurt  
‘’…I love you.’’ Michael says, because he maybe hates himself just a little. But it does make Jeremy pause. He doesn't lower the bottle.  
‘’What?’’ Jeremy asks, meeting Michaels gaze again.  
‘’I just need you to know that.’’ he admits, gripping the inside of his sleeve with his right hand, wanting to disappear into his hoodie and never come back out. Jeremy holds his breath, trying to make up his mind. Then his shoulders sag.  
‘’…I love you too, and… I’m sorry.’’ he says, before finally taking a drink.

Later, Michael will only remember the screaming. It’s so similar to what happened the first time, the rising volume, the writhing in agony. The helplessness he feels. But this time there are no other voices to drown out the panicked screams of his best friend. Not a crowd of convulsing teenagers on a stage floor. Just him and Jeremy. Alone in the basement. It cuts him to the core. It haunts him. But that’s later. In the moment what really grabs his attention is Jeremys expression. So scared, terrified, contorted in a grimace of pain. Mouth wide open, pausing in silent screams in between the real ones. His eyes are wide open, staring unseeing into the space in front of him before he collapses to the ground. The bottle of mountain dew goes down with him, spilling red all over the floor. He convulses. Arches his back and scrabbles at the floor. Legs kicking out. Twisting and turning as if he’s trying to get away from whatever’s hurting him, but not being able to. And Michael wants to hold him, wants to comfort him. Wants to do anything to help, but Jeremys flailing limbs keep him at bay. Then finally, finally, Jeremy collapses in a heap on the floor. His entire body goes rag doll limp, and his breathing evens out. Michael heaves a sigh, wipes away the tears on his face, and gets up.


	2. REBOOT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy wakes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI IM BACK WITH MORE OF THIS MESS HOPE U ENJOY  
> this is a lil bit of how jeremy got to be the way he is, i guess??  
> also it jumps a bit back and forth i hope it's comprehensible but if it's very confusing pls let me know so i can figure something else out!!  
> ALSO!! a wanring!! jeremys head isn't a good place, and he does kinda hurt himself a little (no sharp objects or anything just good ol blunt force trauma)

Michael gathers Jeremy in his arms. A task he finds to be far too easy. He’s scrawny, sure, but far too light for Michaels liking. One arm under Jeremys knees, the other with a secure grip around his back, his head nestled close to Michaels chest. A nest of of curls tickling Michaels nose. He puts him down on the bed, carefully, oh so carefully. It’s a struggle to not start crying again. Once he’s finally settled the unconscious boy on top of his sheets, he kneels by the bed. Folds his arms and lays his head down on top of them, trying to get his breathing and rapid heart back under control. Trying to get the sharp stab of pain in his heart to stop bleeding. His eyes are drawn to the expression on Jeremys face. It’s so…relaxed. Eyes closed gently, his mouth slightly open, deep even breaths making his chest rise and fall in a rhythm Michael can’t help but try to match. He feels better instantly. He reaches one hand out, slowly, carefully. As if Jeremy was awake, and one wrong move could scare him away. Michael places one hand on Jeremys cheek, feels the residual warmth of the fading blush. He strokes his thumb across Jeremys skin. It’s bumpy, riddled with acne and acne scars, freckles, it’s perfect. Because it’s Jeremy.   
‘’I’m sorry.’’ Michael says out loud, knowing Jeremy can’t even hear him, but he needs to say it, if only to put his own mind at ease.   
‘’I’m sorry.’’ he says again, the hand not caressing Jeremys face clutching at the covers desperately. He screws his eyes closed, trying to force the tears back. Trying to swallow the cries waging war in his chest, fighting to get out.  
‘’I’m sorry.’’ he whispers a final time, burying his face in the crook of his own arm, body tense, but still making sure the hand he has on Jeremy is nothing but gentle. He takes a deep breath. And another. And another. Until all his breaths are deep and calm. Until the cramp in his hand registers, and he finally lets the tension ease out of his spine. He gets up, finds a blanket to tuck Jeremy in with, and grabs his phone off of the floor. He sits down with his back against the bed, listening to Jeremys light snoring in the silence of the room. It makes him smile just a little.

To: the squippening   
he drank the mountain dew, passed out  
don’t know anything yet

From: Chrissy   
Want us to come over?

To: The squippening  
please 

He locks his phone and shoves it in his pocket, trying not to let the calm silence become too heavy upon him. The right thing has never felt as wrong as this.  
‘’I hope you wake up soon.’’ he tells Jeremy, turning around halfway to look at his face again.  
‘’I really want to talk to you.’’ he says, reaching out and gripping Jeremys cold fingers in his own warm hand. He runs his thumb over the knuckles in featherlight strokes, a calming gesture. More for himself than for Jeremy, but he’s pretty sure Jeremy doesn’t mind.

Jeremy wakes up.

The hospital walls are stark white and sterile, the brightness almost blinding him. He squints against it. His head is pounding, like someone took a sledgehammer and tore down the inside of his skull. He takes a moment to feel the pain and his head feels oddly…empty. Devoid of chatter. He sits up.  
‘’Ow.’’ bad idea. He grips his head as the room comes back into focus. He catches sight of the inside of his own wrist out of the corner of his eyes. Streaks like lightning.  
‘’Morning sleeping beauty.’’ a voice says from somewhere next to him. He looks over. Rich is lying in the hospital bed next to him, every visible inch of skin covered in bandages down to his fingertips.  
‘’Feels like you’re missing a part of yourself, doesn’t it?’’ he asks, and Jeremy can’t help but raise an eyebrow at the lisp. It’s…different. Makes him seem more human.  
‘’Rich?’’ Jeremy questions, voice barely a whisper and raspy as hell, an edge of worry to it.  
‘’Hurts like a motherfucker too.’’ he says, grits his teeth as if to demonstrate. He turns his head to look directly at Jeremy.  
‘’Be honest, what are they saying about me in school?’’ Rich asks, and Jeremy can find no good answer to give him. He stays silent.  
‘’That bad, huh?’’ he says, turning his afce away again. Jeremy tries not to let his eyes linger too much on the scarring he can see forming on Richs face.  
‘’…sorry.’’ Jeremy says, because it feels like one of the few words he’ll never get away from now. Like a word he’ll repeat over and over like a mantra, like a prayer, like a desperate begging as he tries to fix, well, everything.  
‘’Sorry?’’ Rich exclaims incredulous. A note of happy hysteria in his voice.  
‘’I’m finally free of that shiny happy hive mind! Finally, the ladies are gonna get a taste of the real Rich Goranski.’’ he says, voice overflowing with confidence. But a different kind of confidence. Not built upon the ruins of the people he tore down to get there. But standing on top of something he built all on his own. His eyes widen.  
‘’And the guys!’’ he says, almost in awe of his own revelation. He turns those wide eyes on Jeremy.  
‘’I’m totally bi.’’ he says, and the bizarreness of the situation makes Jeremy smile. Probably his first real and not nervous smile he’s ever smiled at Rich Goranski. Richs eyes soften around the edges.   
‘’Your squip’s gone?’’ Jeremy asks, trying to find his voice. He’s a little hoarse, and he winces as he says his first full sentence. Rich nods his head to confirm.  
‘’How?’’ Jeremy whisper asks, trying to spare his throat.  
‘’Ask your buddy! Anti-social headphones kid?’’ he says gesturing tot he side of his neck as if to indicate the characteristic set of headphones Michael wears, and Jeremy is faced with another onslaught of unpleasant emotions. His stomach churns the feelings into one massive maelstrom of hurt.  
‘’He’s been by, like, a ton, by the way. He your boyfriend?’’ Rich asks, and Jeremy can feel his face heat up. The urge to bury his head in his hands growing stronger.  
‘’No judgement, totally bi now.’’ he says, voice at ease and laid back. Everything Jeremy doesn’t feel right now. Someone shuffles right outside the open door.  
‘’I’m sure some special someone will be lucky to have you Rich.’’ Michael says as he enters the room. Jeremys heart does a flip in his chest, and his stomach does a flip for entirely different reasons. Though they may be somehow connected anyways, Jeremy thinks.  
‘’You think?’’ Rich asks, confidently, in the sort of voice that says he already knows the answer. Michael pulls the curtain on him, cutting him off and giving him and Jeremy some sort of privacy.  
‘’Hey dude.’’ he says, a small gentle smile on his lips. Jeremy swallows thickly.  
‘’Hey.’’ he says back, voice still hoarse.   
‘’I’ll get you some water.’’ he says, and leaves again. Jeremy watches him go, feels his heart follow Michael out that door. The empty cavity left in his chest feels like less hurt than he deserves.  
‘’Jeremy! You okay?’’ his dad says as he enters the room. It catches him a little off guard. That and…  
‘’I’m great-‘’ he starts, but is cut off almost immediately. That doesn’t stop the smile slowly spreading on his face.  
‘’Good! Because you’re grounded. You’re going to see some serious changes young man, starting…’’ he trails off as he finally notices Jeremys expression.  
‘’What?’’ he questions.  
‘’You’re wearing…’’ Jeremy begins, but trails off. He gestures vaguely to his dads legs, waving his arm up and down.  
‘’Don’t looks so surprised. I’m your father, and I wear the pants around here.’’ he answers with a smirk. Michael reenters the room carrying a plastic cup. Jeremy zeroes in on it immediately, the scratch of his throat becoming ten times more prominent. Michael holds it out and he accepts gladly. He downs the entire thing in one go.  
‘’Oh my god you’re a lifesaver dude.’’ he tells Michael, voice overflowing with earnestness.  
‘’He sure is.’’ his dad says cryptically, and Jeremy can only shoot him a questioning look. His dad locks eyes with him, glances to Michael, and then back to him.  
‘’I’ll leave you boys alone, gotta talk to some doctors.’’ he says, and then he’s gone as quickly as he had arrived. Suspiciously eager to leave them alone. Jeremy stares after him.  
‘’What was that?’’ Jeremy asks Michael, because he’s avoiding eye contact and looking rather sheepish.  
‘’Well, your dad kinda convinced me to help out I guess.’’ he explains, dragging a chair over to the bed and settling in.  
‘’Oh.’’ Jeremy says, beaches he doesn’t know what else to say.  
‘’Yeah, he came by while I was sitting on the back porch in my underwear, smoking and burning things.’’ Michael says turning his face away, a laugh in his voice, obviously telling it like some sort of funny anecdote. Jeremy can’t really seem to find the humor in it though.  
‘’Burning things?’’ Jeremy asks, trying to get Michael to look at him again.  
‘’Just…things.’’ he says, but Jeremy understands.  
‘’Michael I-‘’ Jeremy begins, only to be cut off as his dad appears in the door again.  
‘’Jeremy, the doctors want a look at you.’’ he says, oblivious to the wright of the conversation going on. Jeremy could throttle him.  
‘’Uhhh.’’ Jeremy hesitates, looking to Michael. Wating to say so many things, explain even more. Beg most of all. Michael smiles.  
‘’I’ll see you later.’’ he says, and gets up. Walks past Mr Heere. Out the door. Gone. Jeremy stares after him.

Jeremy wakes up.

He feels so tired, as if he hasn’t slept all night. His head pounds and his eyes sting. All he wants to do is ignore the incessant alarm blaring at him, bury his head in the soft pillow and escape back into the bliss of nothingness. But he can’t. He gets up. He falls into routine like a train following its tracks. Get up, get dressed, go to the bathroom. Fix his hair, brush his teeth, try not to look at his own face for too long in the mirror. He hears his dad leave downstairs as he grabs his bag from his room. The kitchen is quiet, but showing signs of having been in use recently. The coffee machine is humming with warmth. There’s a plate by the sink. Morning doesn’t feel as lonely anymore. He’s still alone, though. He makes a couple slices of toast for himself, before checking the time and running for the door. He pulls on his shoes, tying the laces in a hurry. If he doesn’t make it to the bus he’ll have to walk and he just feels too tired for that today. He’s been tired ever since he got let out from the hospital, but they’d said he probably would. He was even prescribed bedrest for a week. He doesn’t know why he’s still so tired. It should be gone by now, right? The bus rolls to a stop, and he gets on once the doors open. He stares out the window the entire ride, watching the scenery go by. Eyes following the powerless, studying the clouds. The trees are barren now. Dark twisted branches reaching for the sky, waiting patiently for spring to come again. He feels an ache in his chest. He runs a thumb over the inside of his own wrist, following the scar tissue. The school building comes into view and the bus comes to a stop. He follows the flow of the other students as they exit, mumbling apologies as he bumps into a few as they crowd towards the door. The tension in his shoulders grow with each step he takes, walking closer and closer to the steps leading to the front entrance. The crowd around him keeps moving, he doesn’t. His step falters, freezes, for just a moment. He can’t move. Can only stare. Someone bumps into his shoulder and his legs start walking again on pure instinct. The route to his locker is engrained in his muscle memory, so eh lets his legs carry him trough the hallways, past the lockers and the people and the chatter. He spots Michael. His hood up and his headphones on. Jamming out to a song Jeremy can’t hear. He looks happy. Jeremy smiles to himself. Michael starts turning around. Jeremy walks away. Steps quick and head down, his chest aching and his stomach doing flips, His palms are sweaty and he feels his face heat up. He begs to any and all higher power that’s listening that Michael didn’t see him. He doesn’t stop feeling stressed out until he’s retrieved his books and is securely seated in the back of his first class. He breathes out. His shoulders remain tense.

Jeremy wakes up.

His head is foggy, his vision blurry. Everything is muted, and the low hum of anxiety at the back of his skull thrums along as persistent as ever. He struggles out of bed. He finds the oversized gray hoodie in the mess of clothes on his floor, and crawls into it. He pulls on underwear, trousers, and socks. Grabs his bag. Heads downstairs. His dad is gone already, Jeremy having dragged himself out of bed with the bare minimum of time left to get ready and head to school. He skips breakfast as per usual, his stomach churning far too violently to muster up an appetite. A glance at the clock tells him he needs to leave now if he wants to make it to the bus on time. He makes his way out to the hallway, pulling on his shoes and not tying the laces. He drags his feet as he leaves, locking the door behind him and making his way to the bus stop. The buzzing at the back of his head grows in volume. Like an itch he can’t get at, impossible to ignore. But it’s background noise, temporarily drowned out by loud bursts of sound. The boys stops and he gets on. The ride passes in an instant as he stares out the window, mind empty apart from the static. Walking to the school building on autopilot, not paying attention to the people who pass him by. Not seeing their faces. Not making eye contact. He walks down the hallway careful not to bump into anyone, wanting to pass as far below the radar as possible. Unnoticed, unbothered. He spots a flash of red out of the corner of his eye. He turns the other way. On his way home he picks up a journal like his dad suggested.

Jeremy wakes up.

He doesn’t open his eyes, just stays in the darkness for a little. Clings to unconsciousness with all his might. The white noise in his head eventually drives him out of the fitful sleep, and he opens his eyes slowly. he stares at the ceiling until his alarm rings out, only then moving to get up. He pulls on the nearest clothes, grabs his bag, heads downstairs. The kitchen is empty. He heads for the hallway, pulls on his shoes and goes outside. The air is cold, nipping at his nose and the tips of his ears. He locks the door, slings his bag over his shoulder. Starts walking. The world has narrowed to his view of the sidewalk, the static in his ears drowning out everything else. His shoulders tense. He gets on the bus. He gets off the bus. He goes to class. He stares straight ahead, doesn't say a word. He skips lunch. He stares straight ahead. He doesn’t say a word. He gets on the bus. He gets off the bus. He walks home. He unlocks the door. He toes off his shoes. He goes to his room. He collapses into bed, head first, body finally releasing the tension. The buzzing grows more violent in the stillness, and he squeezes his eyes shut.   
‘’Jeremy! Dinner!’’ his dad yells. When did he get home? Jeremy gets up, goes downstairs.   
‘’How was school?’’ his dad asks as he sits down on the other side of the kitchen table.   
‘’It was school.’’ Jeremy answers. He takes a bite of the spaghetti. His dad hums.  
‘’So…how’s Michael?’’ his dad asks. The food in his mouth turns to ash. Jeremy forces himself to swallow it instead of choking on it.  
‘’Why?’’ he asks, putting his fork down.  
‘’He’s never around anymore, I was just wondering if everything’s okay.’’ his dad says, voice doing on defensive, but squarely in the territory of worried.  
‘’He’s…good.’’ Jeremy says, taking another bite. The texture makes him want to gag.  
‘’…Alright.’’ his dad says, promptly dropping the topic. He fidgets awkwardly with the napkin, stealing glances at his son, and feeling helplessly lost in the turmoil of teenage angst that seems to be surrounding Jeremy these days. Jeremy stirs his pasta one more time, takes another bite, makes sure it looks like he’s eaten more than he actually has. His stomach is starting to act up.  
‘’Thanks for dinner.’’ he says as he gets up. His dad moves as if to say something, but stops. Lets him go.

Jeremy resists the urge to slam the door, but only because he knows it’ll only aggravate his growing headache. He beelines for the bed, collapsing face first into the week old sheets he hasn’t been able to muster up the energy to change. Not that he cares. The darkness of the room seeps into his bones, settling him down into the quiet. But it’s not quiet. It’s a constant buzzing and humming and staticky noise and it. Won’t. Leave. Him. Alone. He cover his head with his arms, presses down until psychedelic colors are swirling behind his eyelids, but the more noise from outside he covers up the more the noise inside takes up space. Like a living moving liquid it fills any vacant space in his head and then consumes the rest. He’s so tired, but he can’t rest. He moves his arms, raises his head and knocks it lightly against the mattress. He lays there, unmoving. The noise spikes in volume and he just wants to be left alone. He just needs a moment of peace. He sits up on his knees, facing the wall his headboard is shoved up against. The window to his left casts odd shadows over his messy floor. Adds a flare of the dramatic to the peaks and valleys of his unmade bed. The shadows cast on the covers are like miniature ball abysses, waiting to swallow him up. He’d give himself over gladly if it meant silence. He pushes his hands against his ears, listens to the rushing blood, his beating heart, his body alive and working to ensure he stays that way. Soon that is drowned out too. He leans forward until his sweaty forehead is pressed against the cool wall. He leans on it, feels the unyielding surface press against his skin. Then he leans back. He knocks his head against the wall, only wanting the static to go away. I doesn’t. He tries again. Harder, and still it is as unrelenting as ever. He tries again. Harder, and his vision goes blurry. He leans against the wall, feeling dizzy, feeling his stomach threaten to empty out the little it has. The static vanishes, and he breathes a sigh. He listens to the quiet, hears the faint buzzing of something coming closer. No, not closer. Just becoming louder. He collapses back into bed. His eyes water. He doesn’t think it’s just from his fight with the wall. They roll down his cheeks, but he can’t bring himself to let out the sobs that tear at his heart. He can’t bring himself to let out the noise festering in his gut. Too scared of what it might mean. A single thought breaks tough the noise in his head.  
I want everything to go back to the way it was.  
The thought rattles around his skull, until finally it peters out, and the only thing he can hear is the sound of his own labored breathing. Behind his closed eyelids a speck of blue light zooms across his vision. Jeremy falls asleep.

Jeremy wakes up.

The mess of his room goes unnoticed as he pulls on clean clothes, grabs for his cardigan only to find it isn’t there. It’s in his closet. He heads to the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror, unknowingly surprising the habitual shiver that runs down his spine when he makes eye contact with himself in the mirror. It’s a normal beginning to the strangest day of his life.  
It only gets stranger.

Michael is sitting next to him, like he has so many times before. On his right, an unwavering presence he found eh could always lean on. The uncertain expression Michael wears fits right along with the ever crumbling facade of normal life as Jeremy knows it.   
‘’I need to tell you something.’’ Michael says, and it might as well have been the last nail in the coffin. Jeremy can’t help but feel this is going to change everything forever, unlike anything he’s ever lived trough before. It feels tremendous, the weight that hangs above their heads, something unspoken and forgotten. Not anymore it would seem.  
‘’Here.’’ Michael says, after Jeremy has made his mind up. After he has sealed the deal, so to speak. Michael hands him a bottle of soda. Of violently red soda.  
‘’Mountain dew red?’’ he asks, glancing at Michael. He has the odd urge to laugh, beaches of course the solution would be some sort of odd soda. Something right down Michaels alley. It seems he holds all the answers to Jeremys life lately.  
‘’Yeah, if what we think is right, then you’ll get your memories back if you drink it.’’ Michael answers. Jeremy raises an eyebrow, but open the bottle all the same. It makes a crack, and a fizz, and then he’s holding the bottle in one hand and the cap in the other. It smells like cherry.  
‘’I know it sounds crazy, but do you trust me?’’ Michael says, Jeremy looks up at him as he feels Michaels hand settle on his arm.  
‘’Duh.’’ Jeremy says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world for him. It sure feels like it anyway. He starts moving his arm.  
‘’It might hurt.’’ Michael warns, and Jeremy can feel the grip on his arm tighten, a testament to the slight worry creeping into Michaels voice.  
‘’That’s fine.’’ Jeremy assures, not slowing down.  
‘’…I love you.’’ Michael says, and it’s out of the blue enough that Jeremy freezes.  
‘’What?’’ He asks, looking past the bottle, into Michaels eyes. Dark brown, warm, and full of worry born from love.  
‘’I just need you to know that.’’ Michael admits, teeth worrying at the inside of his cheek. Jeremy draws on a careful breath, feeling his shoulders rise with it. He holds them there for a moment, before letting them drop back down.  
‘’…I love you too, and… I’m sorry.’’ he says. He takes a drink. The pain is like nothing he’s ever felt before. He drops the bottle. He can barely find it in himself to breathe between screams. It’s agonizing. His brain is on fire, shooting bolts of lightning down his spine, out to every nerve ending. He can feel it in his fingertips. He doesn’t know what he’s doing with his own body anymore, all he knows is that he can’t see Michael anymore. Then the world goes blessedly black. And quiet.

Jeremy wakes up.

The sheets smell like dollar store conditioner, sleep, and faintly of cinnamon. Like Michael. Jeremy opens his eyes. It’s like waking up after a deep long sleep. It’s like he’s waking up for the first time in months. Like waking up back at the hospital, his head strangely…empty. But in a good way. His head feels light, free, his body loose. His chest fills with air and expands past an invisible boundary. He aches all over, bone deep and like he’ll never be able to get rid of it. But he’s so giddy he can’t bring himself to care. He’s awake, truly awake, in Michaels…  
Michael.  
He’s up and out of the bed within seconds. He takes a moment to mourn the loss of the comfortable warmth of the blanket cocoon, but wastes no more time heading for the stairs. His legs are shaky, unsteady as they make their way to the first step. He places one foot on the lowest step, grabs the bannister, and pulls himself up towards the closed door. He can see a beam of light shining in underneath it. He walks towards it, with a determination he hasn’t felt in a long long time.

The doorbell rings and Michael leaves a sleeping Jeremys side to go open for the people he know will be on the other side. What he doesn’t expect is that they brought food.  
‘’I predicted you haven’t eaten yet, am I right or am I right?’’ Christine says with a smug smile as he steps aside to let them in.   
‘’You’re right.’’ he says helplessly, a small tired smile on his lips. Christine hums to herself, satisfied. The seems to process it.  
‘’Michael! It’s way past lunch time!’’ she chastises him, and he laughs helplessly.   
‘’Mother Christine is a force to be reckoned with.’’ Brooke says, giggling with Michael.  
‘’Call me mom one more time.’’ Christine warns, but the smile on her face gives her away. Rich hands Jake his crutches as he leaves the wheelchair in the hallway. They make their way to the living room, Michael getting plates and cutlery from he kitchen and decking out the small coffee table with the utensils. He grabs the first container and opens it to find chicken fried rice. He digs in.  
‘’Sooooooo.’’ Rich says, dragging the sound out from his seat on the sofa, right across from Michael. Rich looks at hime expectantly. The meaning comes across bright and clear.  
‘’So.’’ Michael repeats, taking another bite of rice and chewing. Rich frowns at him. Michael swallows.  
‘’Alright, so.’’ he begins again.  
‘’I started telling him that he did, like, a thing.’’ Michael says.  
‘’A thing?’’ Chloe asks form the chair to his left.  
‘’That’s the best phrasing you could think of?’’ Jake adds on, leaning over Rich a little to get to the shrimp. Michael glares at them.  
‘’I didn’t plan it out beforehand.’’ he argues, huffing a little.  
‘’It just sorta happened. I didn’t get very far though.’’ he admits.  
‘’What do you mean?’’ Jenna asks him. He turns to his right to look at her.  
‘’He already knew he did something.’’ Michael says, careful to keep any and all emotion out of his voice.  
‘’What’s that supposed to mean?’’ Christine asks form where she’s sitting on the floor next to him.  
‘’He found a journal that he’d written? It didn’t say anything specific, but it did hint at him having done something he thought I hated him for.’’ Michael explains, the rice on his plate suddenly extremely interesting.  
‘’Oh.’’ Christine says.   
‘’And now we wait.’’ Michael says, steely determination in his voice.  
‘’Now we wait.’’ Rich echoes, shoving another piece of sauce covered vegetable in his mouth.

Jeremy puts his weight on the door handle, and the door swings open soundlessly. The light blinds him a little, and he takes a step out into the hallway. The light disorients him just a little, and his heart i beating fast. Nerves building, for many different reasons.Trough the slight fog that’s descended over his brain he follows the sound of voices coming from the living room. The first thing that catches his eye is that red hoodie. Brilliant ruby red, it’s almost like it’s glowing. As if he can see the color for the first time in forever. Jenna spots him first, her voice trailing off as she stares at him. The others catch on soon enough, and then Michael is turning around and the wave of emotions hit Jeremy like a sucker punch to the gut. Everything all at once. Months of pent up anger, frustration, helplessness, regret, sadness. He makes some sort of broken noise in the back of his throat, the prickling in his eyes overflowing, making his eyes water. He takes another shaky step forward, trying to raise his hands in front of him to do…something. He staggers, and suddenly Michael is moving, lurching towards him, across that short distance to grab onto his shoulders. To steady him. Jeremy sags into the hold. He raises his arms fully, grabs handfuls of that red red red material and lets the tears flow.  
‘’Michael, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.’’ he keeps repeating it, over and over and over again. Feeling as if it’s the only phrase he’ll ever be able to say out loud ever again. Michael sinks to his knees gently, lowering Jeremy all the while. His hands let go of his shoulders, and for a moment Jeremys heart lurches into his throat and he chokes on it tasting blood at the back of his tongue and then Michaels arms are around him instead. One hand planted in-between his shoulder blades. A warm solid presence. The other cradles the back of his head as he buries his face in Michaels neck. Michael, in turn, has buried his face in Jeremys hair. Jeremys hands are caught in-between them, still gripping onto Michaels hoodie for dear life.  
‘’I know.’’ Michael whispers into his hair. Jeremy chokes on another sob.  
‘’It’s okay.’’ Michael says, and Jeremy takes a huge gulp of air, and it feels like the first clean breath he’s taken in months.


	3. RESTART

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy and Michael talk about Feelings™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO i was right work did try to kill me but somehow i still managed to force this into existence  
> have some messy emotions and some fluff  
> i have three more ''parts'' planned  
> idk of i'll lump them all in one final chapter or divide them into three separate chapters  
> i guess we'll see  
> this s not the end of the emotional rollercoaster, but i felt i'd put jeremy trough enough for one day  
> poor boy needed a break  
> in other words this is not the last you've seen of Messy Emotional Conversations  
> .  
> .  
> .  
> >;3c
> 
> hope u enjoy!!

For a moment everything is perfect. For a moment there is only blessed silence. Michaels arms around him. His head and heart lighter and clearer than they’ve been in months. For one moment, it feels like everything is gonna be okay. And then Jeremy looks over Michaels shoulder. There are six pairs of eyes watching them and Jeremys already wildly beating heart kicks it up to a gear he thought was impossible to reach without stopping dead. Though he kinda feels like he might drop dead anyway. His breathing gets stuck in his throat and he freezes like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. Six headlights, to be exact. He wants to crawl back down to the basement and hide forever. Curl up beneath the covers and pretend the outside world doesn’t exist. A different salvation comes to him though. Michael notices the sudden stiffness of his shoulders. He leans back just a little, so he can get a look at Jeremys face. He follows his gaze into the living room.  
‘’Uh, guys?’’ Michael says. Their eyes shift to him in eerie tandem.  
‘’What?’’ Brooke asks, looking genuinely confused where she’s leaning over the back of the sofa.  
‘’Do you mind?’’ he asks a little forcefully, lifting one hand from Jeremys back and gesturing to their position on the floor.  
‘’Right, yeah, sorry.’’ Brooke says, starting to get up and head for the kitchen, where Michael and Jeremy will be out of view. The others follow her lead.  
‘’That was beautiful dude.’’ Rich says as he gets up, lingering a little.  
‘’Rich.’’ Michael warns, drawing out the i.  
‘’Going!’’ he says, rushing to follow the rest of the group out of the living room. As soon as he’s out of view Michael hears his chattering start up from the kitchen. Michael sighs, running his hand trough his hair. He turns back to look at Jeremy with a gentle smile. Jeremys heart might just melt.  
‘’Wanna go back down?’’ he asks. His eyes are so soft, his face so open. Jeremy drinks it in, studies the shape of his smile. How his glasses frame his eyes. The way his hair curls back, the few strands resting on his forehead. As if it's the last time he'll ever get to see him like this. Up close. Unguarded. Still friends, to an extent. Something cold and heavy settles in him. His stomach drops as he opens his mouth.  
‘’Yeah.’’ he says, almost breathlessly. His eyes burn and his face feels warm. He’s still so so tired, but this feels more important. Michael gets up, and Jeremy misses the safety of his arms immediately. Michael offers him his hand, and Jeremy takes it. Michael doesn't let go of it as he leads them back down the stairs. Jeremy feels how sweaty his hands are compared to Michaels, he’s a lot colder too. Michaels hand is warm. It’s nice. He keeps his eyes locked on their intertwined fingers, trying to breathe past the lump in his throat. Michael sits down on his bed. Jeremy remains standing, still holding his hand. Michael tugs on it a little. Jeremy shifts his gaze to Michaels face. Michael is still wearing that soft gentle smile. It’s reassuring. Friendly. Jeremy sits down, and Michael turns to him so he’s sitting sideways.  
‘’So…’’ he begins, fidgeting with his sleeves a little. Jeremys gaze is drawn back to his hands.  
‘’So?’’ Jeremy says back.  
‘’Did you wanna, like, talk?’’ Michael ventures, knowing he sounds awkward, but wanting to start the conversation anyway. He doesn’t know how to bring it about organically, and this feels…odd too. It’s been forever since he had trouble starting a conversation with Jeremy. It’s previously charted waters having gone back to being uncharted waters, and it’s throwing him for a loop.  
‘’Uh yeah, I guess?’’ Jeremy answers, picking on the hem of his cardigan. He'd missed wearing it, but it had felt…weird. As if he wasn’t the Jeremy who wore a blue cardigan anymore. But here he is, wearing it. Maybe he’s a different Jeremy that still wears a blue cardigan. Another new version of himself. Another incarnation further removed from who he’s supposed to be.  
‘’You guess?’’ Michael asks, eyebrow raised. Jeremy looks over at him immediately, a sudden burst of determination coloring his expression.  
‘’Yes!’’ he exclaims, then seems to catch himself. Lowers his head just a little.  
‘'I mean, yes, I wanna talk.’’ he explains. Because he does, really, but it’s…difficult. It was never going to be anything else though, was it? He sighs.  
‘’You sure? You look like you went to hell and then crawled your way out of Satans asshole.’’ Michael says, jokingly. Jeremy makes a face and lets out a little laugh, and feels grateful that of all people he would have to have this conversation with, it's Michael. Michael who is endlessly good and kind and understanding and didn’t deserve any of this. The relief is short lived.  
‘’Wow. Thank you.’’ he replies, tone flat. Smile still somewhat present.  
‘’I’m just being honest!’’ Michael says, smirking. Trying to keep hold of the light mood, but he can feel it slipping away slowly.  
‘’Sure.’’ Jeremy says, daring to punch gently at Michaels shoulder. Michaels smirk melts into a genuine smile. One Jeremy can’t help but return, although not quite as bright as Michael manages.  
‘’No but for real.’’ Michael says, looking away from Jeremy, running his hand trough his hair again.  
‘’For real.’’ Jeremy repeats.  
‘’Talking.’’ Michael says.  
‘’That’s what we’re doing. From what I’ve seen so far we might as well be experts.’’ Jeremy replies, a barely contained smile curling the edges of his lips. It makes Michael feel hopeful.  
‘’Jeremy.’’ Michael warns, tone stern but still smiling just a little. Enough to make Jeremy understand he isn't angry, but that they need to start getting somewhere with this. Time to get serious.  
‘’Yeah, I know. Sorry.’’ Jeremy says, rubbing both hands over his face, and ruffling his hair, before letting them fall back into his lap. He sighs again.  
‘’It’s cool.’’ Michael replies. Jeremy turns to face Michael properly, so he too is sitting sideways on the edge of the bed. It feels like an opening, like an invitation, linking them together and signaling that he's ready. Which he isn’t, doubts he'll ever be, but it also feels like a now or never kind of situation. Better to get it over and done with. Get past the start, and onwards. It feels like he’s had a taste of something forbidden, and now he might just do anything to get it back.

‘'I guess I should start with I’m sorry.’’ Jeremy says, eyes on his hands. He can’t stop picking at the skin around his nails. He also can’t bring himself to look at Michael again just yet. Not when the fragile smiles and laughter have gone. His throat tries to close up, tries to keep him from talking, because it’s frightening. His heart is beating wildly and he can feel his own hands go clammy. It’s never been easy, putting words to feelings, never been easy to talk about anything that goes on in his head. He hasn't ever had to, really. Because Michael always knew. Because Michael knew him. But Michael doesn’t know this version of him. Can’t understand his perspective, not really. He’s on uncharted territory, with a defective compass and a map written in a language that doesn’t exist. He clears his throat, tries to force more words out.  
‘’I’m sorry for…well, everything.’’ he says, because he is. Oh god he’s so sorry about everything. His hands shake just a little, and he tightens his hold to make them stop.  
‘’For being an asshole, for ignoring you, generally just being a really shit friend.’’ he glances up at Michael, finds his eyes are focused on his face, and looks back down.  
‘’I’m gonna- I want to, make it up to you.’’ he admits, softly. His voice wavers a little, but there’s a determination beneath it that sets the last few nerves Michael had about all of this at ease. Something unwinds in his chest, something heavy he hadn’t realized he’d been carrying.  
‘’I want to take responsibility, for what I did. I should have known better. I nearly ruined everything.’’ Jeremy keeps whispering, running a hand trough his hair. His shoulders are tense, and something in Michael aches at the sight of his best friend in so much distress. Especially here. His basement is like a safe zone. Where the problems and worries of the outside world can’t get to them. He stays quiet for a moment, Jeremys fidgeting growing a little more noticeable.  
‘’Well…I’m pretty sure you can shove some of that guilt off on that electro tic tac in your head.’’ Michael says, trying for joking, but he does mean it. Jeremys head whips up to look at him. His face is stunned.  
‘’But I-‘’ he begins, but Michael cuts him off swiftly. Not letting him wander too far down the road of self blame. No further than he needs to go, at least.  
‘’No buts, buttface.’’ he says. Jeremy snorts helplessly, then claps a hand over his mouth in embarrassment. Michael smiles at him, and the hand is lowered ever so cautiously. Jeremy gives a small smile back, his eyes flitting to and from Michaels face. finding it hard to settle anywhere. Michael lets the silence stretch a little, thinking about everything.  
‘’Rich told us about it, y’know.’’ he finally says. Jeremy gives him a questioning look.  
‘’What it’s like having that thing in your head.’’ Michael continues, and Jeremys hands are suddenly very interesting to him again. Michael stares at Jeremys hair, where it obscures part of his face. Remembers how Rich hadn’t been able to look at any of them as he had explained, in short detail, what he’d been trough. What that thing had put him trough. His regrets. But he also remembers how much happier Rich had been. How much more hopeful he’d been, faced with his own future. A future he could choose for himself. How happy he was to have them, too. He’d said it was easier, having them around. Having them to talk to.  
‘’How it breaks you down. Builds you back up like a parody of a real person.’’ he says, finally looking away from Jeremy. He stares out at his own room, eyes sweeping over the various things. Seeing traces of Jeremy everywhere. He sees Jeremy glance at him, and he doesn't turn to look at him fully, but keeps his gaze locked with Jeremys from the corner of his eye.  
‘’His words not mine, I’m not that poetic.’’ he says, a half smile on his face. Jeremys mouth twitches a little, then he sighs, letting his head hang a little.  
‘’I still shouldn’t have left you behind so quickly.’’ he says. The anger and self loathing eats away at him, tearing him apart from the inside out. It comes trough in his words. He regrets so much of it. In the end, the bad things far outweighs the good things. And it’s dragging him down into a dark.  
‘’I’ll admit it didn’t feel…nice.’’ Michael says, treading lightly. Jeremy winces just a little. It’s a very, well, nice way to put it for sure. Michael reaches out and places a hand on his shoulder. It startles Jeremy so much he looks back up at him.  
‘’But I’m also pretty sure you wouldn’t have done it of your own free will. If you didn’t have the squip.’’ he says. The conviction in Michaels voice is like the sun breaking trough the clouds. Warm and all encompassing. Something beautiful after the raging storm. Difficult to look away from.  
‘’…Never.’’ Jeremy says. This he is sure of. This he can always be sure of. If he hadn’t done it, if he hadn’t messed up so royally, if he’d just stayed where he was, he’d still be by Michaels side. Where he wants to be. Michael grins.  
‘’There you go.’’ he says. He squeezes Jeremys shoulder just a little, it grounds Jeremy, before letting go. Jeremy feels more present than ever. Like he’s settled back into his own head again, taken control, even trough all the emotional turmoil. He straightens up a little.  
‘’Still I…I was an ass to you. Not just with the squip. After too.’’ he admits, his voice just a little stronger. Because he needs to. He wants to. Wants to make everything better. But to make things better he has to acknowledge all the mistakes he made. Even if he’d rather ignore them forever. But Michael deserves better.  
‘’I avoided you for months, Michael.’’ he says. And he says it like it’s a heinous crime. Like something he should be sentenced for. That’s what it feels like.  
’’Yeah, but it’s not like I couldn’t have talked to you first either. I could have.’’ Michael reasons.  
‘’I just…wanted you to take the first step. Wanted you to make the first move. It seemed…important. In a way. I felt like I hand’t done anything wrong, so it was on you to start making it right again. That’s not how it works, though. And I shouldn’t have waited so long.’’ he says, a note of sadness in his voice. It twists something in Jeremys chest, stabs at it repeatedly. Nothing of this is Michaels fault, of course it isn’t, it’s all his own fault.  
‘’But you didn’t do anything wrong. I should have made the first move.’’ he argues. Because he agrees. He should have, but he was a coward.  
‘’That’s not how it works.’’ Michael says. It baffles Jeremy, and it shows on his face. Michael smiles.  
‘’I know you. I know you…avoid things. You’ve always been like that.’’ he explains, and Jeremy feels a wave of shame wash over him again. He can feel his face go warm. Because Michael is right, he’s always right. And Michael knows him, even this version of him, it would seem.  
‘’But it’s not like you refuse to talk about things if I approach you first. So I could have, but I didn’t.’’ Michael finishes. And it sounds so logical when put like that. Jeremy wants to argue, but he can’t.  
‘’I… I wanted to. Talk to you. I was gonna. But then I, I saw you.’’ he begins, hesitantly. Forcing every word out of that uncomfortable place in his chest. He feels…clumsy. Stumbling over his words and trying to string something coherent together. Trying to explain himself while trying to seem like he isn’t trying to avoid taking responsibility.  
‘’And all I felt was disgust. At myself. And I wasn’t ready to face you. I didn’t feel like I deserved to talk to you yet, until I got my own head sorted out or whatever.’’ he says, looking back down at his hands again. He can feel the echoes of the fuzziness, of the buzzing, of the way his world had narrowed down into a bullet-point list of actions. One he’d followed day in and day out for so long. ‘’And then I just kept avoiding you, like a jerk. Every time I saw you I just, I just turned the other way. Walked away from you all over again.’’ he says, putting his hands over his eyes. His mind feels so jumbled, he just needs a break. Needs to not have any visual input until he can wrangle his thoughts back into working order. Wrangle them away from each and every memory road it tries to tumble down. He keeps seeing himself turn away from Michael over and over and over again. Right back to the first definitive time.  
‘’Just like the party. Fuck.’’ he says, softly. Regret lighting him on fire once more from the inside. Michael lays a hand on Jeremys arm, tugs the hand away from his face gently. Jeremy peeks out at him from behind his half lowered hand.  
‘’Not the best interaction we’ve ever had I’ll admit.’’ Michael says with a small smile. Jeremy grimaces. There’s so much of that night he’d rather just forget. Both for his sake and Michaels.  
‘’I…I want you to know I’m not angry at you, before I say anything else. I mean at first I was, but then…yeah. We’re good, ’s all I’m saying.’’ Michael explains. Words speeding up just a little.  
‘’You’re worrying me, dude.’’ Jeremy warns, and Michael looks at him a little apologetically. He looks away from Jeremy before the next sentence makes its way out of his mouth.  
‘’After you left I sorta maybe freaked out a little.’’ Jeremy tenses.  
‘’Michael-‘’ he begins, but Michael cuts him off.  
‘’No, let me finish. Miah.’’ he says, and feels a small bit of satisfaction when the use of the nickname makes Jeremy relax just a little.  
‘’Yes I felt… betrayed, and angry.’’ he begins. He sighs deeply. He remembers so vividly feeling those emotions. When he’d gone home and burnt everything that…meant something. Anything and everything that made him think of Jeremy fondly. Like he’d wanted to reduce everything to ash so he could grow something new from it. Maybe he still can. Something new and better. It’s what he wants, now.  
‘’Mostly I just felt lost. Jeremy you’re my best friend, my only friend. And I never felt out of place when I had you. But then you weren’t there anymore. And that was the worst part.’’ he says, voice just a little choked up.  
‘’I just want my best friend back.’’ he admits softly, staring at Jeremy. Jeremy turns to face him properly, keeping eye contact. Michael can see tears welling up in his eyes. His arms are already raised and ready to catch him as Jeremy falls forward into his embrace. Like a reprise from the hallway earlier. Jeremy buries his face in Michael hoodie at an angle that can’t really be that comfortable, but it seems like he doesn’t care. Michael does his best to embrace him. To hold on tight, as if he can leave an impression of himself on Jeremys skin, something to ket him now he’s there to stay. Because he wants this. He wants this as much as he hopes Jeremy wants this. From the sniffling coming from somewhere in his hoodie he gathers that that might just be true. Jeremy tightens his hold on Michael with a shuddering breath, holds it for a moment, and then lets go. He leans back so he can look at Michael properly again. He needs to make sure Michael understands.  
‘’I’m going to make it up to you. I’m going to win back your trust. I don’t care how long it takes, I don’t care how much I have to work. I messed up, and I want to make it right. Because you, you mean, so much to me, Micha. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’’ he says, making sure those beautiful eyes stay on him as he says every word. It feels like an important moment. Like a dramatic cutscene in a video game, music building up to a crescendo in the background as some sort of redemption is promised. The turning point, where the previously bleak future starts to look more hopeful. It certainly feels like it, to Jeremy. Like maybe this version of Jeremy can be better than the previous ones. Maybe this version of him I can get it right, be a better himself than he could before.

‘’They’re gonna watch Mulan upstairs, do you wanna join?’’ Michael asks him. He still has one arm slung around Jeremy, hesitant to let go. He’s looking at his phone, a text from Christine open. Jeremy looks up from his own phone.  
‘’Oh right, the others. They’re still…here.’’ he says, getting lost in his own thoughts again.  
‘’You okay?’’ Michael asks, putting his phone down.  
‘’Do they, like…hate me?’’ Jeremy asks. He feels a little stupid, only thinking of them now. He’d been so focused on Michael he’d forgotten there were other people in the house.  
‘’No, they don’t.’’Michael replies, voice soft. He puts his head on Jeremys shoulder.  
‘’I’m pretty sure Christine would even agree to a date of you asked.’’ Michael says, half joking half serious.  
‘’Don’t say that.’’ Jeremy says. His voice is quiet and gentle, but decisive.  
‘’What?’’ Michel asks, genuinely confused.  
‘’I don’t…I can’t date Christine.’’ Jeremy admits, voice small. He puts his own phone down, draws his knees up so he can hold around his own legs and rest his chin on top of them. Michaels arm falls away.  
‘’I’m confused.’’ he says, because wasn't that what had started everything in the first place?  
‘’After everything I just…’’ Jeremy begins. He brings his arms up so he can bury his face in the.  
‘’I don’t feel like I’d be good in a relationship with her right now.’’ he mumbles, but in the stillness of the basement Michael hears him loud and clear. The words do odd things to his heart. He elects to ignore it for now.  
‘’Like I need to sort myself out before I get someone else involved.’’ Jeremy says, and Michael wants to hug him again. He's curled in on himself as far as he’ll go, looking small and vulnerable. In a way, Michael does understand. Still…  
‘’I’m pretty involved.’’ he says, as if to test the waters.  
‘’You’re an exception.’’ Jeremy replies immediately, no hesitation, as if it wasn't even an issue to begin with. Maybe t isn’t one.  
‘’How so?’’ Michael asks, because he knows that as Jeremys best friend of about twelve years he’s an exception to many rules. But he just…needs to hear it. Jeremy doesn’t disappoint.  
‘’You’re…too important.’’ he says, peeking out from over the top of his folded arms. Michael spots the crinkles at the corner of his one visible eye, a dead giveaway that Jeremy is smiling. It makes him smile too.  
‘’Sap.’’ he says, poking Jeremy in the side. Jeremy squeaks, unraveling his gangly limbs to smack away the offending hand. He playfully glares at Michael.  
‘’I cried into you shirt like fifteen minutes ago, dude.’’ he accuses, but it just makes Michael laugh.  
‘’Yeah, cus you’re a sap.’’ he says, ruffling Jeremys hair. Jeremy huffs in annoyance, batting the hand away again and trying to smooth out the mess.  
‘’Let’s go watch Mulan.’’ he says, rising from the bed. Michael is quick to follow. He springs up from the bed and heads for the staircase.  
‘’Cool.’’ he says as he falls into step behind Jeremy on the staircase, smile wide and voice still colored by amusement.  
‘’Hey, for real though, if you change your mind you can just go hide down here again.’’ Michael says, reaching out and touching Jeremys wrist to make sure he listens to him. Jeremy turns to look over his shoulder.  
‘’Thanks Mikey.’’ he says, eyes soft. A grateful smile on his face.  
‘’No prob, Bob.’’ Michael responds, and Jeremys face falls immediately. He turns back and keeps climbing the stairs.  
‘’…I’m not gonna respond to that.’’ Jeremy says as Michael bursts into laughter. Jeremy is about to reach for the doorhandle when Michael reaches out to stop him again. Jeremy turns to looks at him.  
‘’Last thing, I promise.’’ Michael says, and Jeremy nods.  
‘’I know we’ve like officially talked now, or whatever, but it’s not gonna be gone just like that. I know Rich felt a lot better after talking to us about his squip.’’ he starts explaining, and he can see some of the color draining from Jeremys face already.  
‘’I’m not gonna force you to talk about anything.’’ he quickly reassures, squeezing Jeremy hand in comfort.  
‘’If you want to talk about anything, when you feel ready, I’m here for you. I just want you to know that.’’ he says. Jeremy smiles at him. Leans down and hugs him again. Michael winds his arms around him tightly. He’s missed this. Missed the hugging and the casual touches and just, someone to be this relaxed around. He doesn’t feel comfortable enough to engage in too much casual touching with the others yet, so he basks in the comfort pf being able to hug Jeremy again. And judging from Jeremys hesitance to let go, Michael assumes it’s the same for him. Jeremy starts leaning back up, but grabs a hold of Michaels shoulders before he’s straightened up completely.  
‘’Same goes for you. You were affected by this, and you’re allowed to express your feelings about everything that happened. It might not always be easy to…listen, for me. But I’m here for you, too.’’ Jeremy says. Michael smiles up at him.  
‘’Thanks.’’ he says, and Jeremy nods. Lets go of his shoulders and opens the door out into the hallway.  
‘’Hey guys!’’ Christine says from the living room as they emerge.  
‘’Movie just started, I made popcorn.’’ Brooke says from her seat on the sofa. Michael heads over and settles in on the floor, leaning back against the sofa. Jeremy hesitates for a moment. The others very obviously try not to stare at him, and he appreciates the effort. He takes a few careful steps, until he’s next to Michael, and then sits down on his right. His shoulder brushes up against Michaels, and it settles some of the nervousness in him. Man is singing her way trough the opening number on the screen and Jeremy finds it is far too easy to just get swept along in the disney movie. He leans a little more into Michael, relishing the warmth and the closeness. 

Jeremys eyes begin to droop as Mulan sends a mountainside of snow down on the Hun warriors, the emotional wear and tear finally catching up to him as the calm atmosphere descends over the living room. The solid warmth of Michael next to him is better than any bed, and soon his head is resting on Michaels shoulder. Michael instinctively puts his arm over Jeremys shoulder. Michael leans his head closer to Jeremy so he can whisper to him.  
‘’You falling asleep?’’ Michael whispers, hint of a smile on his face. Jeremy grumbles a little.  
‘’M’not.’’ he mumbles, rubbing his cheek on Michaels shoulder.  
‘’Sure you're not.’’ Michael replies. Jeremy blows a raspberry at him and Michael struggles not to break out into laughter. He has to bring his other hand up to cover his mouth to make sure not to interrupt the movie. Jeremy grumbles again as Michaels shoulders shake just a little.  
‘’Sit still so I can fall asleep on you.’’ he complains.  
‘’Thought you said you weren’t falling asleep.’’ Michael replies.  
‘’I’m not.’’ Jeremy protests, forcing his eyes halfway open again.  
‘’So what’s the truth?’’ Michael asks, smirking at Jeremy. Not that he can really see his facial expression.  
‘’Shut up. Shut up is the truth.’’ Jeremy mumbles closing and opening his eyes slowly, having a hard time focusing on the tv screen.  
‘’Thats not a very nice truth.’’ Michael mumbles. Turning back to the tv too.  
‘’You’re not a very nice pillow.’’ Jeremy shoots back, closing his eyes and forgetting to open them. He breathes out heavily trough his nose.  
‘’Hey!’’ Michael complains, and Jeremy frowns just a little.  
‘’Ssshhhhhhhhhh.’’ he shushes him, reaching one hand up to gently smack Michael in the face. It’s very uncoordinated and mostly just ends up touching his chin, but the message comes across as Jeremy repeatedly gently taps his fingers against Michaels skin in some strange parody of slapping. Michael reaches up and grabs the hand in his own, bringing it down to his lap and not letting go.  
‘’Dork.’’ he tells Jeremy, smile on his lips and a joy far greater than any he’s felt in the past couple of months.  
‘’Doofus.’’ Jeremy says back, the corners of his lips twitching upwards.  
‘’Go to sleep.’’ Michael says. Jeremy sticks his tongue out at him but doesn’t say anything else. Michael watches him, waiting for something to tell him weather or not Jeremy is asleep. His eyes are still closed. He watches Jeremy for a minute until the very last traces of tension bleeds out of his shoulders, until his breathing is deep and even. Like earlier, but better this time around. No screaming. Just peaceful. He doesn’t realize he’s still staring at Jeremy with a stupidly fond smile until Christine catches his attention.  
‘’Are you guys okay?’’ she asks. Michael looks up at her and finds that the others are all watching him instead of the movie. He feels a tad bit offended on Jeremys behalf, what with his favorite movie being ignored. He smiles at them nonetheless. Runs his thumb over the back of Jeremys hand where he’s still holding it.  
‘’We will be.’’ he says. He genuinely believes they will. Sure it might take time, nothing is mended overnight, especially not something like this. But Michael is willing to try, for Jeremy.  
‘’Did you talk everything out?’’ Christine asks, voice low so as not to disturb Jeremy. Michael appreciates it. Between the intense emotions and the evident months old dark circles under his eyes, Jeremy needs all the rest he can get.  
‘’Kinda. He said sorry. Said he was gonna make it up to me.’’ Michael says, looking at Christine. He thinks it over for a moment. Jeremys face as he had said it. Like nothing Michael had ever seen before. So different yet still so purely Jeremy that it had broken his heart and put it back together again all in one go.  
‘’And I believe in him.’’ he concludes. He believes in Jeremy. He believes in this version of Jeremy. The one who’s been through some kind of hell, the one who has changed because of it, the one who wants to be better after everything. The one who still wants him. He has to believe Jeremy is willing to try for him.  
‘’That’s good.’’ she concludes.


	4. 20%

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy is getting better, slowly  
> making friends is helping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M NOT DEAD  
> i just feel like death  
> i'm here i'm queer get ready for feelings i guess
> 
> this chapter is a mix of plot and self indulgence but i had fun writing it so i hope you have fun reading it  
> also FUCK ME it turned out way longer than i thought it would oOPS

''Mikey I don’t know if I can do this.’’ Jeremy says, carefully keeping himself behind Michael, out of view from the lunch table they’re approaching. Michael scoffs.  
‘’Sure you can, they’re not gonna bite your head off or anything.’’ Michael reassures, stepping to the side and putting his arm over Jeremys shoulders to lead him forward. They walk together, side by side. Jeremy is still nervous, and huddles closer to Michael to feel safer. It helps.  
‘’How do you know.’’ Jeremy asks him, pouting slightly, hunching his shoulders.  
‘’Cus I’ve talked to them about it.’’ Michael replies, easy as that. As if it really was as easy as that. Jeremy has a hard time believing that.  
‘’You have?’’ he asks, the nervousness creeping out of his stomach and into his words. He grips the hem of his carding with both hands, as if to ground himself. As if he can stop himself from drifting off if he just holds on tight enough.  
‘'I mean, I’m kinda friends with them now? So yeah I talk to them regularly. And I’ve talked about you. And honestly I think you’ll like them, and I think they'll like you. Once they get to know you, for real this time around.’’ Michael says, confidently. Jeremy pulls at his cardigan, feeling the fabric tighten over his shoulders. He rubs the knitted material between his fingers, feels the pattern with the pad of his thumb. He’s stopped walking. When did that happen?  
‘’Oh, right.’’ he says, dejected. For real. He hadn’t been…himself, last time. It’s weird to think of it like that, and it stirs up something uncomfortable in his stomach, something to top off the nervousness already churning around in there. It’s an altogether horrid cocktail of bad emotions. Jeremy feels like he might vomit.  
‘’I mean, the you with no forceful filter, or whatever.’’ Michael says, as if he’s reading Jeremys mind. It should make him even more weary, but it just makes Jeremy relax a little. Michael being able to tell what he’s thinking is a good sign, after all.  
‘’They don’t blame you, we’ve all heard Rich’s side of the story, and they all had squips at one point.’’ he continues, and even if it doesn’t really put Jeremy at ease, it does ignite a light at the end of the tunnel. A glimmer of hope in his chest that maybe it won’t turn out as disastrous as he’s imagining. And even if it does, maybe he’ll still have Michael after. This time around.   
‘’Okay.’’ Jeremy says, quietly. Michael hears it, as close as he is. He tightens his arm around Jeremy, bends his head even closer, trying to catch Jeremys gaze.  
‘’Okay?’’ he asks, and Jeremy looks at him. Smiles just a little.  
‘’Okay.’’ he repeats, a little louder this time, a little more sure of himself. Michael grins.  
‘’Come on then.’’ he says, taking another step forward.

Brooke is the first one who spots them, even though Jeremy tries his best to stay unseen for as long as possible.  
‘’Jeremy!’’ she exclaims. Everyones heads whip around to stare at him and the shaking he’s been able to suppress so far rattles trough his arms. He grabs onto the strap of his backpack, slung over one shoulder. Squeezes until he’s sure his knuckles must be white. Every single word of greeting he knows of get lodged in his throat, laboring to get out all at once so as not to seem rude or stupid or awkward. Choking him and refusing to let him get a single word out. Michael puts his hand between his shoulder blades. Warm and solid.  
‘’H-hi Broo-oke.’’ he manages to stutter out. If he didn’t have such a tight grip on his backpack he would have waved, but maybe it’s for the best that he doesn’t. He’d probably just look awkward. Fuck he probably looks awkward anyway, just standing there. He wishes he could just blink out of existence. He tries his best to smile. It feels a little shaky. A little twitchy.  
‘’Hey guys.’’ Michael says casually, pulling out one of the two free chairs. He sits down next to Christine, leaving the last seat on the end free for Jeremy. Brooke is sitting on the other side of Christine, while the other four teens are on the other side of the table. Jake is sitting across from the seat that's left for Jeremy. Jeremy glances at him and accidentally makes eye contact. Jake smiles.  
‘’Hey.’’ Jake says. Easy as that.  
‘’Finally my cavalry’s here.’’ Christine exclaims, putting both arms around Michael. She does it so casually, so confidently, and Michael seems unbothered by it. Used to it. He’s smiling even as he lifts one eyebrow.  
‘’What?’’ he asks, looking at Christine as she lets him go and sis back in her seat.  
‘’I need you to help me defend the Spongebob Squarepants musical.’’ she tells him, face serious.  
‘’But Christine! It’s Spongebob.’’ Rich practically yells, ‘’Squarepants!’’ he finishes, throwing both arms up in the air for emphasis. Jeremy can’t help but crack a small smile at the ridiculous gesture. It’s different, a little out of character to see Rich like this, still. But this bother version of Rich is growing on him. He seems…happier. All over. It suits him.  
‘’The musical!’’ Christine counters,  
‘’You said the same thing about Shrek! It’s an outdated reasoning and I’ve had enough of it. You liked Shrek!’’ she continues to argue back, gesturing wildly with her arms stretched out across the cafeteria table, towards where Rich is sitting next to Jake. Rich lower his arms a little, a frown on his face. He’s loosing ground quickly.  
‘’Yeah well…’’ he trails off, casting around for another reasonable argument. He had really liked Shrek, to Christines delight.  
‘’Exactly.’’ Christine says, drawing out the e in a satisfied manner. Clearly she has already won the discussion, no help needed.  
‘’I’m sick and tired of hearing all this hate when the people doing most of the hating haven’t even seen the show! Pretentious theatre geeks really get on my nerves. If we keep being stuck on the old ones, we’ll never get any new ones. And! Theatre isn’t supposed to be all high brow sophisticated. It’s entertainment! And yes it can have a deeper meaning and be politically relevant and all that, but a show is fundamentally about showing off all the work you put into it, and the audience enjoying it. And Spongebob the musical is a thoroughly enjoyable show.’’ she rants to her captive audience. No one argues against her. They also don’t really look like they know how to respond to the rant, the silence stretching for just a little too long. Jeremy can see Christine start to fidget, almost like she’s embarrassed over the outburst. He take a deep breath in.  
‘’…It’s really good actually.’’ Jeremy says, rather quietly, but it doesn’t go unnoticed because of the lull in conversation. Christine claps her hands together excitedly, smile as bright as stage lights.  
‘’See!’’ she says, eyes locked onto Rich as if the argument is still with him, and one arm stretched out across the space in front of Michael, pointing to Jeremy. He tries not to tense up too bad. Michael glances at him and smiles before looking back to Christine.  
‘’Yeah, Jeremy is like the second biggest musical nerd after you.’’ he says. Jeremy freezes.  
‘’What really?’’ Christine asks, leaning around Michael to look at Jeremy.  
‘’No I’m not!’’ he denies, but he can feel his face heating up, betraying him.  
‘’You know the entirety of Heathers by heart.’’ Michael says, betraying him further. Jenna finally looks up from her phone and covers her mouth to stifle a giggle.  
‘’You literally beak out into song sometimes.’’ Michael continues, and Jeremy absently wishes the floor would swallow him just about now.  
‘’Michael!’’ he almost yells, scandalized. Betrayed. His entire face feels warm and oh god the nausea is back full force. Maybe he should just lea-  
‘’That’s amazing!’’ Christine practically yells. Her smile is wide and her eyes are starry. It’s a familiar look. It’s the look you get when you finally find someone who likes the same thing you do. When you finally find someone willing to get as deep into something as you are. 

‘’Jeremy!’’ Christine calls, catching up to him and Michael as they exit the cafeteria.  
‘’I wanted to talk to you.’’ she says as she comes to a halt beside them. Jeremy glances at Michael and then back to her.  
‘’I uh I-I uhm sure?’’ is his very intelligent response. Voice going just a little high pitches somewhere in the middle. Micael claps him on the shoulder in a show of support.  
‘’I’ll head to class, see you later.’’ he says. Jeremy turns around to face him properly.  
‘’Later dude.’’ he says, holding his hand up for a high five. The transition from a regular high five into their trademark handshake is second nature, and Jeremy feels better as soon as it’s done. He gives Michael one last smile before turning back to Christine.  
‘’Hmm cute.’’ she mutters, just faint enough for Jeremy to be unsure if he heard it right.  
‘’What?’’ he asks, shaking his arms a little to let the sleeves cover his hands.  
‘’Nothing.’’ Christine dismisses with a wave of her hand, then she gestures him to follow her to their next class.  
‘’I wanted to talk to you about something.’’ she says, facing forward, not looking at him. Dread settles in Jeremys stomach. The words he wants to say to her are eating away at him, and he feels as if they might settle permanently if he doesn’t get them out.  
‘’... I’m sorry’’ he says eventually.  
‘’Huh?’’ Christine replies, stopping and turning to look at him.  
‘’I just-‘’ Jeremy cuts himself off with a sigh. He feels himself deflating, all the words he had felt built up suddenly vanishing now that they have a way out. He swallows, forces them out anyway.  
‘’I guess I j-just wanted to ap-apologize to you, properly.’’ he begins.  
‘’I did a lot of stu-stupid things because I thought I was i-in love with you, I was so f-focused on dating you that I di-didn’t even take your feelings int-to consideration.’’ he says testily, his own annoyance at himself showing trough as he practically spits the words out1. He turns to look at her. Look her in the eyes. She deserves as much.  
‘’And I’m really sorry about that.’’ he says, holding her gaze for a second longer before looking away again. She stays quiet.  
‘’You’re... amazing, C-christine. And I want to get to know you, for real. If tha-at’s…something you’d wa-want, I mean.’’ he finishes. His bravado teetering out towards the end, his voice sinking lower and lower, his shoulders rising higher. He picks at the skin on his fingers. Tries not to chew his lip too badly. Christine breathes in.  
‘’I’d like that.’’ she says, and Jeremy almost freezes in his step. He chances a look at her.  
‘’Really?’’ he asks her, because he needs to make sure. Because there's something twisting in his chest that won’t go away until he hears her say it, clear as day.Because he suspects the guilt eating away at his ribs won’t go away yet, but maybe he can stave off the inevitable destruction for now.  
‘’Really really.’’ Christine answers, a bright smile on her face and kindness in her eyes and Jeremy knows no matter what Christine will probably be a permanent fixture in his life from now on. At least she looks determined to be one.  
‘'We can start by signing you up for drama!’’ she exclaims. It startles Jeremy.  
‘’What!?’' he practically shouts, then whips his head around to make sure he hans’t attracted too much attention to himself, face reddening again.  
‘’Yeah!’' Christine says, drawing his eyes back to her.  
‘'I already got everyone else to join. Well, Michael and Jake are on tech and Chloe is makeup, but Rich, Brooke, Jenna, and I are all actors.’' she explains, ticking off her fingers as she lists their names.  
‘'I dunno…’' Jeremy says, rubbing his arm and glancing away. The auditorium feels like a place that only exists in his memories, in his dreams…nightmares.  
‘'Oh come on! You were great at play rehearsal.’’ she argues, leaning in close.  
‘'That was…’' Jeremy begins, but lets his voice trail off, still not looking at her. Play rehearsal had been something…not his. It had been her space, that he had invaded, that he hadn’t taken seriously. It feels like he doesn’t deserve to go back just yet. Like something he has to earn.  
‘'But it was your voice, and I’m sure it’s even better with you behind the controls.’’ Christine argues further. He knows she means it well and…hey. It had been kinda fun. Her enthusiasm had been contagious to say the least. From where he’s standing it looks like an open invitation. As if she wants him there with all her heart.    
‘'Maybe I’ll give it a shot.’’ he relents. Christine practically beams.  
‘’Great!’' she exclaims, then seems to think of something else,  
‘’Oh! You should totally come hang at the mall with me and the other girls this Saturday!’’ she looks at him and must see the uncertainty back on his face.  
''As a bonding experience.’' she urges.    
‘'I c-can’t.’’ Jeremy says, hunching in on himself as he stutters.  
‘'Why not?’' she asks, innocently enough.  
‘'It’s just-,’’ he sighs, ‘’I don’t know, I mean what with Brooke and Chloe and I just…’’ he trails off, feeling the entire mess with the two of them rearing its ugly head in his conscience.  
‘'You wanna get to know us right? You want to say sorry, and make things better.’' she says, and really he couldn’t have put it better himself. That’s what he wants. He just wants to be better. He wants…  
‘'Well, yeah?’’ he replies.  
‘'Great! We’re meeting at one, see you there.’' she tells him, effectively taking the final decision out of his hands before skipping off to class. He watches her go in stunned silence, before a small smile creeps onto his face. 

‘’Oh hey, I’ve been meaning to give you this.’’ Michael says later that week, handing Jeremy a wrapped present. The paper is blue and full of shiny stars. He has to hold it with both hands.  
‘’Happy belated Hanukkah.’’ he says, smiling brightly. Jeremys heart melts into something warm and pools in the pit of his stomach like a comforting weight. His chest twinges around the space his heart used to occupy in a not totally unpleasant way. He clutches the gift as if it’ll dissolve at any moment unable to look away from Michael in stunned silence, the paper crinkles under his nervous fingers. The gift within gives way, revealing that it’s something soft. He glances down at it. Doesn't move. Doesn’t know how to.  
‘’Well? Open it!’’ Michael urges him, smile still radiant. Jeremy flips it over and tears off the tape, carefully unraveling the paper. Two large red eyes stare up at him. He gasps.  
‘'Ooooh my god! Dude!’’ he shifts his gaze back up to stare at Michael before quickly tearing the rest of the paper away to free the small plush from its paper prison. He puts the paper under his arm so he can hold it with both hands and get a good look at it. It’s a small dark blue cat with big yellow eyes. Red pupils. Mae. Jeremy runs a hand over the fabric, and is amazed at how soft it is. He resists the urge to smoosh his face into it and looks up. Michaels smile has dimmed into something far more soft. His eyes are gentle, looking at Jeremy cradling the gift in his hands.  
‘’I didn't think they made stuff like this for night in the woods.’’ Jeremy says, because he can’t think of anything better to say.  
‘’They don’t.'' Michael answers,  
‘’I found it on Etsy a while back, you kept going on about how much you liked the game so, yeah.’' Michael trails off, looking just a little awkward, fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie. Jeremy can’t stand the traces of uncertainty that creep into Michael posture, and does the first thing he can think of. As he raises his arms the paper falls to the floor, but he doesn't notice. He just wraps his arms around Michael neck, holds him close. Doesn’t notice the plush being squeezed against Michaels back.  
‘’Thank you.’’ he says, and then Michael is wrapping his own arms around Jeremy too, hugging him back. His arms are solid and warm and Jeremy could disappear into that embrace for forever and be content with it.  
''No problemo.’’ Michael says, and if he sounds just a little bit breathless Jeremy doesn’t notice.

That Thursday, his dad is actually home when he opens the door. It’s unusual, still, to come home to an empty house, when before he’d been so used to coming home to his dad in the same position as when he had left. It’s a pleasant surprise. He’s making dinner in the kitchen, and it smells great. He toes off his shoes and hangs up his jacket, hitches the strap of his bag properly onto his shoulder and heads for the kitchen.  
‘'Hey dad.’’ Jeremy calls as he rounds the corner into the kitchen. His dad turns, his jacket and tie are slung over the back of one of the chairs at the table, and his shirt sleeves are rolled up to the elbows.  
‘’Hey!’’ his dad greets him back, a smile on his face. They’re…better, the two of them. Not even close to perfect yet but they’re both taking steps in the right direction and his dad is gradually getting better at being, well, his dad. They’re closer, in ways they haven’t been since Jeremy was very little and their family had been the kind of picture perfect you’d see in a psychology book under ‘nuclear family’. He has to admit, he prefers this version of them so much more.  
‘’How was school?’’ his dad asks as Jeremy settles down at the kitchen table to work on homework until the food is ready. This is also new. Not running away to his room as soon as he comes home. Just being in the same space as his dad, not even talking, just existing. Because he wants to. It’s nice. The house doesn’t seem so lonely even though there are two people in it.  
‘’Eh, it was school. My math teacher still hates me, I think. How was work?’’ Jeremy admits, opening his history book to continue the tasks he started on in class. He almost finished them anyway, so it won’t take long.  
‘’I’m sure she doesn’t, I’m pretty sure her face is just stuck like that.’’ his dad says, earning a chuckle from Jeremy.  
‘’Work was work. Though I think they’re trying to bury me in paperwork. There was literally an avalanche of paper in my office this morning.’’ he laments, stirring the pot on the stove, sending more delicious smells out into the kitchen air. Jeremy is pretty sure he’s making stew at this point. They fall into a comfortable silence until Jeremy remembers Christens request (demand) earlier that week. He pauses his writing to look at his dad.  
‘’I’m, uh, I’m gonna hang at the mall with some friends this Saturday? Is that alright?’’ he asks, and his dad turns with a smile,  
‘’Of course! What’s the plan?’’ he asks, and Jeremy can only shrug.  
‘’Christine invited me to go shopping with her and the other girls.’’ he explains, shrugging a little.  
‘’Sounds fun.’’ his dad says, then pauses, looking thoughtful. He abandons the pot in favor of rummaging around his pockets until he pulls out his wallet. He fishes out a few bills and hands them to Jeremy. Jeremy accepts them hesitantly.  
‘’What’s this for?’’ he asks, raising an eyebrow at his dad.  
‘’You haven’t bought new clothes for yourself for the past three years.’’ his dad answers as he turns back to the stove.  
‘’Oh.’’ Jeremy says, staring at the bills.  
‘’Yup.’’ his dad answers. He turns to look at Jeremy over his shoulder, shooting him a small smile.  
‘’Have fun with your friends.’’ he says. Jeremys feels a small grin stretch across his face in return  
‘’Thanks dad.’’

‘’Jeremy!’’ a voice calls out across the parking lot as Jeremy approaches the main entrance of the mall. The sun is shining, rays warming the otherwise chill afternoon. He spots the small gathering of teens quickly. Jenna, Chloe, Brooke, and of course, Christine, the one who’d called his name. He waves a little as he approaches.  
‘’H-h-hey Christ-t-tine.’’ he manages as steps up to them.  
‘’Jerry!’’ Brooke exclaims in glee, and he feels an uncomfortable pang in his gut. He fidgets, opens his mouth,  
‘’It’s J-j- ‘’ he starts, but gets cut off by Brooke and her gentle smile.  
‘’I know silly,’’ she says, eyes soft and sweet.  
‘’Hi Jeremy.’’ she corrects herself, and she really was too good for him. Had been all along. He smiles back.  
‘’Hi Brooke.’’ he says. It comes out easy as that, just a normal greeting between two normal people. The weight on his shoulders hasn’t lessened one bit, however.  
‘’Ready to head inside?’’ Jenna asks, and a small chorus of ‘yes’ rings trough the air as they all head for the rotating doors. Jeremy sticks close to the outer edge of the group, close to Christine. He can feel his heart rate pick up and his hands go clammy, but he clamps down on the rising feeling of anxiety in his stomach. He’s determined to have a good time.  
‘’Anything you’re looking for in particular?’’ Jenna asks him out of nowhere, and it startles him just a little. He stammers a few sounds before he manages to string a sentence together,  
‘’N-no, my dad gave me so-some cash since I, ap-p-parently I haven’t b-bought clothes for myself in like f-f-forever.’’ he explains. He’d looked in this closet that day, after they’d had dinner, and realized it basically consisted of three pairs of jeans, a bunch of very generic shirts (apart from a few he’d gotten as gifts from Michael over the years), and three cardigans in different shades of blue. And some clothes he’d shoved in the back of his closet that were never gonna see the light of day ever again. So yeah. Maybe he needed something new.  
‘’Really?’’ Christine asks him, snapping him out of his musings and back to reality.  
‘’Yeah, I basically wear th-the same thing ev-v-ry day.’’ he says, gesturing to himself. He’s wearing jeans, a t shirt with a ghost on it, and a blue cardigan. Christine hums in understanding.  
‘’We’ll help pick out some cool new clothes for you.’’ Jenna reassures him, patting him gently on the shoulder. He tries to fight against his natural reaction to flinch away from the touch, and is pretty proud of himself when he manages. Jennas touch is soft, light. Just friendly. He could get used to it. Maybe.  
‘’Oh… t-thanks.’’ he says, voice gentle, smile gentler, and hoping that the magnitude of his gratitude comes trough loud and clear.  
‘’If you want to, of course.’’ Christine reassures him, so maybe he wasn’t clear enough.HE turns to her and tries not to panic about it, instead he says,  
‘’No yeah, that would be… it would be really nice.’’ he tries to make his smile bigger without letting his face scrunch up because he always thought he looked really weird when he smiled like that and if they think he looks weird they’ll probably think he’s creepy and then they’ll leave him all alone in the mall and if he ends up all alone at the mall people are gonna stare and then it’s gonna be just like last time and he doesn't think he could handle that maybe he should just leave. But it works, as Jenna and Christine smile back at him, equally bright and happy. His frantic heart settles a little in his ribcage, his thoughts stop spiraling.  
‘’Oh Jenna, this is where I saw that dress!’’ Brooke exclaims, leading the small group towards a clothing store excitedly. Jenna breaks off from Christine and Jeremy to follow after her, presumably to find whatever dress Brooke had mentioned. Jeremy is suddenly left standing between Christine and…Chloe. He keeps his eyes forward, follows after Brooke and Jenna at a normal pace, flanked by the two girls. The store is full of pastel colors, earth tones, all arranged in neat displays. There’s a section of mens clothes over in the corner, but Jeremy doesn’t want to wander off on his own, and he doesn’t want to ask any of them to come with him in case that would come off as annoying, so he just…follows. Stays silent. Clutches the hem of his cardigan.  
‘’Hey so uh, how much do you care about gendered clothing?’’ Christine asks him out of the blue, and he can only raise an eyebrow at first. It takes him a moment to find his voice,  
‘’I think it’s bullshit.’’ he says simply, honestly, and Christine grins.  
‘’Awesome, cus there’s this sweater I think you should try on but it’s technically a girls sweater except clothing can’t have gender cus they’re just inanimate objects made of fabric and stitched together in specific ways that somehow give them a gender? But that’s totally crazy!’’ she rants as she grabs his wrist and pulls him along towards a display full of fluffy sweaters in earthy colors. She grabs a deep dark forest green one and holds it up in front of him. He reaches out and feels the fabric. It’s very soft.  
‘’Blue is a really nice color for you, don’t get me wrong, but I think you’d do yourself a favor if you branched out. Do you prefer these or pastels? Or maybe just bright colors? Or neon? Or do you wanna go monotone? Actually don’t go monotone it’s a cool look and all but you look best in color I think. Right?’’ The last question isn’t actually directed at him, but at Brooke who’s now appeared behind him, along with Jenna who’s carrying a bundle of midnight blue fabric. Christine lets go of the sweater and Jeremy fumbles with it for a moment before clutching it to his chest.  
‘’Yeah, don’t go monotone. What colors do you like? Besides blue I mean.’’ Brooke asks, and he knows, at least he thinks he knows, that she’s not being mean about the blue, because yes he has a habit of just wearing blue. Michael had once said he looked good in blue and it had just…stuck. Blue was a safe color, because he knew it worked for him. No one made fun of him for wearing blue. He swallows,  
‘’I like…red?’’ he says, almost too quiet for them to hear.  
‘’Like bright red or dark red or maroon or maybe oh! Burgundy would be so nice! We should find you a burgundy cardigan, maybe some tan pants.’’ Christine suggests, already hunting trough the wall of soft sweaters for a cardigan.  
‘’Chris, you need to actually let him answer.’’ Jenna says, not unkindly, but Christine flushes slightly anyway. He feels sympathy rush trough him for her, as she turns to look at him sheepishly.  
‘’Right yeah, so. What do you say?’’ she asks him, fidgeting with the mustard yellow fabric she had gripped in her hands. His own fists are still pressed highly to his own chest, trapping he bundle of forest green. He glances down at it, back at her.  
‘’I, uh I guess…I like d-dark colors?’’ he starts,  
‘’And like, pastels? I-I like… grey. Not white, I’d be too worried a-a-about staining it. But I do like…b-burgundy.’’ he says the color slowly, tasting it, trying not to wring it up too badly in his mouth so it comes out clear.  
‘’And green. Green is a nice color. And yellow.’’ he settles on.  
‘’You wear a lot of cool tones, but I think it would do you good to try some warmer ones.’’ Brooke agrees, looking him over. He tries not to wince too much. They’re here to help him, they won’t make fun of him. At least he hopes so. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe he’s annoying him, maybe he should leave them alone, yeah, they’d probably prefer it if he just went h-  
‘’Lavender!’’ Christines voice rings out, derailing his train of thought.  
‘’Huh?’’ he says.  
‘’Lavender would look so good on you!’’ she says, giddy with excitement. Her eyes are shining and her smile is bright and her frame is shaking in time with her arms and Jeremy thinks that he could get used to this. He could get used to this side of Christine being in his life. She’s like an endless source of relentless joy and it’s…nice.  
‘’Sure?’’ he says, a half smile forming on his face. Christine gives a small laugh, grabs his arm, and drags him off to the changing rooms. 

Jenna and Christine are off trying to find the right size pants for him, Chloe has wandered off looking at some sparkly dresses, which leaves Brooke to review his latest outfit as he exits the changing room. He’s wearing a mustard yellow sweater with sort of a high neckline. It’s extremely soft, so he likes it even if he does prefer pastel yellow over the darker shades.  
‘’It looks amazing!’’ Brooke says excitedly,  
‘’Then again I really love yellow, so I might be biased.’’ she adds, shrugging, but still smiling. It’s easy to shoot a smile back at her.  
‘’I prefer p-p-pastel.’’ he manages, feeling proud of himself that he managed an answer.  
‘’Oh same.’’ Brooke replies. The conversation dies down a little as they wait for Jenna and Christine to sort trough the pants. Jeremy had almost forgotten how much of a hassle it was, to find the right size, and he’s eternally grateful that they’re helping him out. But now he’s left with this silence between him and Brooke, and he feels the burning in his chest again. The words that want to leap out, he wants to explain, he wants to apologize. Apparently some sort of dam has been broken in him, and where he could go days without talking before, now he can barely stand a moment of silence.  
‘’Brooke.’’ he starts, testing out her name. It feels different now.  
‘’Mhmm?’’ she answers, looking back to him from where she’d been watching Jenna and Christine with an amused smile on her face.  
‘’I-I just, I wanted to ap-pologize.’’ he manages, looking at her but not making eye contact.  
‘’I figured.’’ she says, and Jeremy can’t tell what she means by that so it must be bad and oh god she probably hates him but won’t say anything because the others are hanging out with him and she donest’ wanna start drama.  
‘’Uhhh.’’ is the sound that comes out of him, hesitant, unsure, he can feel his hands shake ever so slightly. Brooke picks up on it instantly as she snaps to attention, her previously loosely folded arms unfolding as she starts waving them.  
‘’Not in a bad way!’’ she assures, shaking her head and her hands, as if trying to wave the words away. Trying to shoo his worries away.  
‘’Christine told me about how you apologized to her, so I figured I was probably on that list, I mean… I’m not saying I hate you, ever hated you, I kinda forgave you pretty quickly after the whole thing was over and done with actually, especially after getting to know Michael.’’ she explains, rambles a little really, her gaze flitting back and forth but always ending up back on him.  
‘’And I mean, you were probably kinda drunk off your ass anyway.’’ she settles on, folding her arms again, leaning back against the wall. Jeremy nods,  
‘’Right right, wait, what?’’ he says as the last words finally catch up with him.  
‘’At the party? With Chloe?’’ Brooke explains, raising an eyebrow. She’s further away from him than when they started this conversation, and that makes him feel…not good.  
‘’I didn’t drink all night, I had like one sip I think.’’ he says, because he doesn’t know how to begin to explain what went down that night. Doesn’t think he wants to, really.  
‘’Oh…’’ Brooke says, shoulders sinking a little. Her eyes wander, finds Chloe between the aisles.  
‘’What did…what did she t-t-tell you about ha-halloween?’’ Jeremy ventures. Brooke looks back at him, this time he meets her gaze.  
‘’She doesn’t remember, nothing past you kissing her at least. And then the next thing she remembers is the fire.’’ Brooke says, holding his gaze, and Jeremys brain runs trough a dizzying amount of plausible scenarios that must have gone trough Brookes mind at some point. His arms are shaking, he holds onto the soft material of the sweater. Runs it between his fingers to calm himself down.  
‘’Nothing…happened.’’ Jeremy says, and it’s a lie and it feels like a lie and tastes like a lie even though technically it’s true because he hand’t wanted anything to happen but he feels like his reddening face is a dead giveaway and his eyes find the floor but that probably doesn’t paint him in a good light either. He wants to change out of the sweater, feels gross knowing that he’s probably sweating buckets into it even though he probably won’t buy it. Maybe he should, it probably smells like anxiety now.  
‘’Except you kissed her.’’ Brooke says, softly, and it’s not an accusation, not really, but it’s close enough and it’s quiet and not exactly broken but splintering around the edges and Jeremy broke her heart. Jeremy had broken her heart and she’s still here, being sweet and nice and friendly, and Jeremy feels terrible.  
‘’I…I didn’t, though.’’ is what he says, because it’s the first thing that dislodges from the knot of words he’s trying to force out all at once. It’s quiet, so he ties again, because it’s a good place to start,  
‘’I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me.’’ he says, clearer now, and he tries his best to not make it sound like he’s shifting the blame over on Chloe because causing another fight between the two girls is literally the last thing he wants to do right now but he also doesn’t want Brooke to hate him because she’s nice and he likes her and he wants her to be happy because that’s what she deserves. She deserves happiness. she deserves someone who makes her happy.  
‘’…She did?’’ Brooke asks, and it’ such a clear acceptance of what he had said. She doesn’t doubt him, doesn’t call him a liar, doesn’t question him further, and he’s about to open his mouth, to say that Chloe was drunk, she was jealous, she just wanted her ex boyfriend back and Jeremy was in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong girl, but he doesn’t get that far.  
‘’Okay! So I think we found some that might fit, try these on!’’ Christine come barreling back, shoving three pairs of pants at him. Tan, light grey, and brown. He catches the small pile in his arms and chances a glance at Brooke. She looks like he feels. Interrupted. Like the last of the conversation hangs tattered in the air, unfinished. Brooke gives him a look, and he nods, before heading back into the changing room. He ends up buying the dark green fluffy sweater, the tan pants, and a huge grey cardigan that’s made from maybe the softest material he’s ever touched. He feels like he’s disappearing inside a cloud when he wears it and it might be the best feeling ever.

‘’Watcha looking at?’’ Christine asks from behind him, and it’s a testament to how used he is to it at this point that he doesn’t jump five feet in the air and squeak. No he just jolts a little, tightens the hold on the thing in his hands. Hardly noticeable, or at least he tries to convince himself that it is.  
‘’Oh uh I uhm I just-‘’ he stutters, trying to explain himself when really he doesn’t have a very good explanation to why he’s clutching a small fluffy lion keychain. It’s big black glass eyes staring up at him and his thumb stroking the golden fur of the mane rhythmically.  
‘'It’s cute.’’ Christine tells him, leaning over his shoulder to get a good look.  
‘’R-rigth? I just, it reminded me of Mi-Michael. I m-might get it for him.’’ Jeremy says carefully. He looks back down at it. Christine remains silent for a moment.  
‘’You should.’’ she tells him finally, and it’s like the last push he needs.  
‘'You th-think so?’’ he asks her even though he’s made up his mind.  
‘’Yeah definitely.’’ she tells him again, leaning away. She turns her head and her gaze lands on something, stays there. Jeremy notices, and follows her line of sight to find Brooke on the other end.  
‘’You talked to her?’’ she asks, but it’s not really a question. It’s more like seeking confirmation, as if she knows the answer already.  
‘’Yeah, a li-little. I t-th-think we didn’t finish.’’ he replies, honestly. Christine turns back to him, her face unreadable. He stares back at her, not knowing what to do. Her face softens. Then she takes his hand and leads him over to Brooke.  
‘’Help him find a nice one, I’mm gonna see if I can find a jacket that isn’t a cardigan.’’ she tells Brooke with a smirk and an amused glance at Jeremy. There’s no condescension though, no real jab at his fashion sense, just good natured humor and he smiles back. Then she’s gone and it’s just him and Brooke and he’s still clutching that tiny lion and maybe that's what gives him the courage to open his mouth. The fur tickles his hand.  
‘’I think she was jealous.’’ he opens with, like any sensible person would. Brooke is smart, though, and catches on immediately.  
‘’And drunk.’’ Jeremy tacks on. Because he really doesn’t want to be the reason why Chloe and Brooke start fighting. Again. Brooke gives him a sad smile, but it’s a smile.  
‘’Thanks Jeremy.’’ she says, and he doesn’t know what she’s thanking him for, but he doesn’t have the heart to ask either. It feels too important, and he suspects she’s mostly just thanking him for everything in general.  
‘’You’re a nice guy.’’ she tells him, sincerely, and he can feel his cheeks heat up.  
‘’Y-you’re nice t-t-too. You deserve a lot bet-t-ter.’’ Jeremy tells her back, just as sincere. Brookes gaze wanders just to the left of him, catches on something, and she smiles. He turns and barely sees Christine duck back behind the rack of socks not too far away from them. He laughs lightly. Brooke joins him with her own joyful giggling.  
‘’You want to friends, right?’’ she asks him, and it sounds like a weird question like that, but it’s true, so he only nods. Heat rising in his cheeks.  
‘’Then we’re friends, Jeremy.’’ she says. He can’t help it, he just smiles. It makes his heart just a little lighter, the dark pit in his chest doesn’t ache as fiercely. The guilt, go the guilt is still there, but from this angle, with Brooke smiling sweetly at him and Christine grinning over the top of the rows and rows of socks, it all looks a little more manageable. He buys the little lion keychain.

He sticks close to Christine and Brooke, because he feels like he’s on safer ground with the two of them. And it doesn’t seem like they mind. Jenna is also very nice. Very cheerful. Chloe…hasn’t said a word to him, but he won’t complain, because he wouldn’t know what to say to her anyway. She’s not mean, just indifferent. And right now, Jeremy is fine with that. They head to the food court after two hours of wandering around. Jeremy hasn’t bought anything else yet, but he’s beginning to settle into the rhythm of their conversations. Interjects his own opinion on things every now and again, still stuttering, but at least he’s talking.  
‘’I’m hungry.’’ Christine announces as they edge closer to hour two of their shopping adventure.  
‘’Me too.’’ Jenna echoes.  
‘’I could eat.’’ Chloe admits, and Brooke nods. They look at him.  
‘’Y-yeah.’’ he agrees, and they head to the food court, settling at a table and dividing into groups. Jenna and Jeremy remain seated to watch the table and all their stuff while the other three go to get their food. Jenna is scrolling trough something on her phone, probably twitter, and Jeremy is starting to fidget.  
‘’Am I on your list of apologies?’’ Jenna breaks the silence.  
‘’Wh-what?’’ Jeremy says, thrown for a loop. Had Brooke and Christine told the others? Had they told everyone. Was everyone waiting for an apology from him? Was that what this was, just them giving him a chance to apologize to all of them. His appetite slips away bit by bit.  
‘’Jeremy?’’ Jenna asks, and he can’t help it, he flinches. His hands are shaky and he feels sweaty and his stomach is turning and maybe they don’t wanna be friends at all, maybe they just want him to apologize for being a huge jerk and then leave. Maybe he can apologize to Jenna now, and Chloe when she gets back, and then just leave them alone.  
‘’Shit Jeremy, I didn’t mean it like that.’’ Jenna says, worried. He glances up at her.  
‘’Christine told me and Brooke that you apologized, and I overheard some of your conversation with Brooke. Not a lot don’t worry, I figured it was private.’’ she explains. Jeremy calms down a little.  
‘’I guess I let my curiosity get the better of me.’’ Jenna admits a little sheepishly.  
‘’It’s okay.’’ he hurries to reassure her.  
‘’I-I do feel li-like I o-owe you, an ap-p-pology, I mean.’’ he tells her, his hands are folded in his lap, and he runs his thumb over the inside of his wrist.  
‘’I t-t-took adva-va-antage of you in a vulnerable st-state and that was shitty o-of me.’’ he says, finally looking up at her. She’s smiling.  
‘’Thanks, no hard feelings.’’ she says, seemingly content with what he’s told her. He smiles.  
‘’And hey, I should probably thank you for doing it in the first place, at least I’m friends with everyone else now.’’ she says, offhandedly. Jeremy says nothing.  
‘’I mean, yeah, it was shitty that it happened at all. For you, for Rich, for everyone else. But from a more positive perspective, I’ve got friends, so thanks, I guess.’’ she says, a small laugh following her words, it’s sound strained. Jeremys gut twists a little, ties itself into intricate little knots that he knows will take awhile to untangle, but he can’t hide from this forever. He knows that. It’s painful and unpleasant, and no matter what Michael says, what anyone says, he’s responsible. So he has to take responsibility for his actions. If Jenna is willing to share this brighter side of her situation with him, he’ll take it. He’ll take any shred of light in this bleak situation and he’ll bask in it, he'll follow it. He’ll cherish it like the gift it is, like the olive branch he knows she’s offering him. Something snags her attention on her phone and she tries valiantly to fight off a smile. He raises an eyebrow, and she notices his curious stare. After a moment of hesitance she turns her phone and shows a flat earth meme and it’s just about the last thing Jeremy expected to see, so he bursts out laughing from pure shock.  
‘’Finally someone who understands.’’ she says, as she lets a laugh escape.  
‘’I didn’t know you were into that kinda stuff.’’ Jeremy manages once he's calmed down. The laughter shocked most of his melancholy out of his system. For now.  
‘’I make it my business to know everyone else's business, that includes shit like this.’’ Jenna explains. There's a cryptic smile on he face and a glint in her eye and Jeremy is suddenly reminded that when you want to know something, the word is that Jenna probably knows. And if she doesn't, she knows someone who does. Jeremy scrambles for something more to say, to keep this conversation going because t’s obviously something Jenna likes to talk about.  
‘’So do you believe the moon landing was faked?’’ he asks her.  
‘’The moon is a hologram.’’ she shoots back, startling another laugh out of him.  
‘’Damn, you’re good.’’ he says, choking on his own laughter.

‘'Purple or green?’’ Brooke asks her two judges. Jeremy and Christine regard the two tops with scrutinizing eyes.  
‘’P-purple.’’ Jeremy says, nodding sagely.  
‘’Yup, purple.’’ Christine agrees with him, and Brooke disappears back behind the curtain to put on the purple top. It’s cute, with ruffle edges and a white lace collar. When Brooke exits Christine throws a dramatic hand across her forehead.  
‘’Oh my goodness.’’ she yells, leaning towards Jeremy. He panics for two seconds before he catches on, hesitantly holds his arms out so he can catch her. Christine collapses into his arms, very carefully and still supporting a lot of her own weight. He appreciates that.  
‘’I do declare I’ve never seen such a fine dame ’til now.’’ Christine continues, making Brooke giggle.  
‘’I think you’re mixing your southern thing with your shakespeare thing.’’ Jeremy tells Christine, looking down at where she’s awkwardly bent to lay in his arms but still stand on her own two legs.  
‘’Did you hear that? You’re making me mix up my characters! ‘’ Christine exclaims, to Brookes apparent delight, as she just laughs harder. Christine grins as Jeremy pushes her back up into a standing position. Brooke heads back into the changing room.  
‘’Are you having fun?’’ Christine asks him.  
‘’Yeah, thanks for inviting me.’’ he says, because he is having fun, and he's incredibly happy that he agreed to come along.  
‘’Thanks for coming.’’ Christine says, smiling. Brooke exits the changing room.  
‘’Your turn.’’ she tells Jeremy. He picks up the small heap of clothes they’d gathered for him, along with the few things he’d picked out himself, and enters the changing room. Inside the changing room it’s not quiet, but it is muffled, and he comes face to face with his own reflection for what feels like the hundredth time that day. He avoids his own eyes as he changes, grabs the first t-shirt at the top of the pile. It’s like an odd pastel parody of a t-shirt he already has, striped in pastel pink and mint green, white and lavender. The material is very thin, and the edges of his binder are visible trough, so he pulls it off and puts it the reject pile. He moves onto a pink shirt with pineapples on it. The sleeves reach to his elbows and this too is very soft. The material is light an slightly fluttery, he buttons it up and it drapes across his frame in a way that hides every single trace of curves. That’s one of the things he’s missed the most about these types of clothes. Flannel shirts and cotton t-shirts, sweatpants, they’re all nice in their own regards. But he feels that traditionally female clothing has a lot more freedom when it comes to choices in fabrics. When it comes to different cuts to things. Mostly he’s just missed the comforting softness and lightness. He pulls out a pair of light denim overalls and puts them on with the shirt, regards himself in the mirror before peeking out. Christine and Brooke are standing close, looking at something on Christines phone. Brooke is looking at the screen, Christine looking at Brookes face for a reaction. She glances up and catches his eye, so she nudges Brooke and the two of them look at him expectantly. He pulls the curtain away a little, steps out hesitantly.  
‘’Ho-how does it l-l-look?’’ he asks, holding his arms out slightly.  
‘’Oh my gosh! Jeremy! It looks adorable!’’ Brooke compliments.  
‘’That shirt is amazing.’’ Christine agrees.  
‘’And the overalls suit you so well! You should definitely get those, you can mix and match them with a lot.’’ Brooke adds. Jeremy turns back, pulls the curtain away a little more until he can see himself in the mirror again. The overalls are a little stiff, but the way the top part stretches across his chest, lying perfectly flat and even, looks really nice.  
‘’Maybe.’’ he mutters. He runs his thumb across the inside of his wrist, which makes him acutely aware that the sleeves don’t cover his arms. Suddenly it’s very important to keep them glued to his body.  
‘’I’ll try on something else.’’ he says, steps back in and draws the curtain. Back in the changing room it feels isolated, both in a good and a bad way. He tries not to dwell on it, picks out something with long sleeves to try on. In the end he buys the overalls, and the shirt. And as they walk away from the register, Brooke with her new purple top, Chloe catches up to them again.  
‘’I have to go, my mom is throwing a hissy fit.’’ she says. Arms crossed, annoyed frown on her face.  
‘’Awww man! Think she’ll still be cool about tomorrow?’’ Brooke asks, a small frown on her face as well.  
‘’We’ll see I guess.’’ Chloe huffs, clearly not in the mood to talk about it. Brooke giver her a hug.  
‘’Text us later.’’ she says, and Chloe relents, smiles a little as she nods. Christ rebounds over to giver her a hug too, and Jenna gestures with one arm as if asking if Chloe wants one. Chloe doesn't hesitate with stepping close, laying one arm around Jenna and giving her a light squeeze. Jeremy panics. What doe she do? Does Chloe expect a hug from him, does she want one. Will she think he’s rude if he doesn’t offer? Chloe locks eyes with him for a second, and it feels as if it drags on forever. Like he’s frozen in place. He tries his best to keep everything inside, not to let anything bless out trough the cracks. Chloe looks away, waves at them and turns.  
‘’Have fun!’’ she chirps over he shoulder. Jeremy waves back, even though she can’t see it, and lets out a slow breath. He isn’t sure what to name the feeling he’s left with. Relief? Sadness? He feels emptier and lighter all at once. And that makes him feel abd too, because he’s happy that Chloe is leaving. He shouldn’t be, but he is. He’s still, well, scared isn't the right word. Or maybe it is. He doesn’t particularly want to think about it. Not now. Christine turns back to the three of them, claps her ands and smiles.  
‘’I call costume shop next.’’ she says, and off they go. The other girls seem oblivious to Jeremys minor freak out, and that’s just fine by him. 

‘’Ohhhh my gosh! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!’’ Christine yells as soon as they enter the store, beelining for the props section and picking up a very realistic looking sword.  
‘'Look at this!’’ she practically yells, stars in her eyes and a metaphorical cape fluttering in the wind behind her as she holds the sword aloft as if the lady of the lake herself had just handed it to her.  
‘’Our knight in shining armor!’’ Jenna exclaims, snapping a picture of Christine with her phone. Brooke picks up a sword of her own, though a more delicate looking one, with an intricate handle and a long slim blade.  
‘’That’s a rapier. It suits you.’’ Christine tells her.  
‘’Hey Christine.’’ someone calls, and they turn to the register where a woman is leaning over the counter.  
‘’Gem!’’ Christine exclaims in glee, bounding over to the register to hug her.  
‘’You’re back from NYC, how was it? What did you see? Did you get any autographs? Who did you meet?’’ Christine asks, rapid fire, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet. Gem smiles back just as brightly.  
‘’It was amazing! I saw Spongebob like you suggested, and I brought you a playbill hold on.’’ Gem rummages trough something behind the counter, finally pulling out a playbill. There’s a black sharpie scribble on the front, and Christens eyes lock onto it as soon as she accepts it. There is no sound, only stunned silence as she deciphers the curly letters.  
‘’You didn’t.’’ Christine says.  
‘’I did.’’ Gem answers.  
‘’Ooooooooooooooh my gosh.’’ Christine squeals.  
‘’You’re welcome.’’ Gem says, a smile on her face.  
‘’You’re literally the best.’’ Christine says once she’s calmed down a little.  
‘’I see you found our new swords as well.’’ Gem comments, and Christine brandishes the sword as if she knows how to use it. Jeremy wouldn’t doubt that she at least knows how to make it look like she knows how to use it.  
‘’We’ve got a couple new prince and hero outfits, wanna see?’’ Gem asks, and Christine nods so fast it looks like she might get whiplash.  
‘’Hold on I’ll get them for you.’’ Gem says, disappearing trough a door, presumably into some sort of backroom.  
‘’You guys should pick out some costumes too! We’ll take some photos!’’ Christine suggests.  
‘’A-are you sure t-th-that’s okay?’’ Jeremy asks.  
‘’Yeah! Gem used to babysit me and I buy stuff here like all the time. She doesn’t mind as long as we don’t break or ruin anything.’’ Christine reassures, and that does make Jeremy feel a little better about messing around in a shop he has no intention of buying anything from.  
‘’I wanna be a wizard.’’ Jenna says, wandering off to where she can see some robes and various staffs displayed.  
‘’Wh-what about-t you?’’ Jeremy asks Brooke, who surveys the store with a scrutinizing gaze. She spots something and perks up.  
‘’Bow and arrows.’’ is all she says before disappearing behind a shelf of various hats. Christine is waiting patiently by the register, so Jeremy wanders off to find something for himself. He wanders past a display of wigs, past a section of costumes of different uniforms, and then something sparkly catches his eye. He approaches a wall full of crowns and various dresses. They all look lovely, made of silky and sheer materials, long and flowing and elegant. Like what he used to dress up as when he was very little, but with less glitter. It’s been ages since he last considered wearing a dress again. But last time things had been different. Last time he had tried to rid himself of everything he considered feminine. Everything pink and soft and girly. Because he couldn’t like any of that if he was a boy. That was the way the world worked back then. But it doesn’t now. It never did, really, but now he knows for sure that it doesn't and if he wants to wear a dress it doesn’t mean he isn’t who he knows he is. And it’s so tempting. Because he likes feeling pretty, and he likes shiny things, and it’s just the four of them, and someone Christine seemingly trusts, and they’d been picking out clothes from both the ladies section and the mens section, all of them had, and Christine had said gendered clothes were stupid and maybe it would be fine if he just tired one.  
‘’Jeremy?’’ a voice asks, and he startles. He takes a step back, averts his eyes, feels warmth and shame wash over him as if he’s been caught doing something he isn’t supposed to. Jenna approaches, a purple robe in one hand, a staff in the other.  
‘’Do you want to be a princess?’’ she asks, and he can’t bring himself to look at her face because he doesn’t know what he’ll see there. His chest feels tight and he wants to pull the cardigan over his head and he wants to hide and maybe just leaving would be good. A hand lands on his shoulder.  
‘’I think you should go for this one.’' Jenna says, pulling down a dress from the wall and handing it to him. It’s a soft sea green, shimmering. A high neckline that’ll conceal his binder, long sleeves with a bit of droop for dramatic effect. A sheer trail that originates from the back and connects to the elbows. Silver details that glitter when the fabric shifts. It’s beautiful. He looks up at Jenna, whose eyes are trained on the plastic crowns and jewelry. She picks out a simple silver circlet, turns and puts it on his head.  
‘’Yeah, that suits you.’’ she says, and smiles. Jeremys cheeks still feel warm, but he manages a not too shaky smile back.  
‘’Ready?’’ she asks, and Jeremy, not yet trusting his voice, only nods. They head back towards the register together. Christine has changed already, wearing a white jacket with a maroon cape. Dark blue trousers and a length os golden rope hanging from her shoulder. Gold buttons on her chest and the sword at her side. A proper prince. Brooke is wearing tights and a forest green tunic, with some light leather armor and a hat that reminds Jeremy a lot of Robin Hood. She’s got a bow and a quiver of arrows over her shoulder. The two of them look like adventurers, ready to head off into the world, right into a story book.  
‘’We found our costumes.’’ Jenna says as they approach. Jeremy clutches the dress closer to him, momentarily scared of what they might say, but nothing comes. No weird glances or remarks. They’re simply shown to the changing rooms and then he’s alone behind a curtain once more. He removes the circlet gently from his head, studies it a little before hanging it on one of the hooks mounted to the wall. It’s made up of twisting silver wires, forming a downward point in the front, a few silver leaves sprouting forth here and there, and on the from a crescent moon rests, like a smile, pointing upwards like two little horns. It looks almost magical. Theres no mirror in there, the space too cramped, so he undresses without having to worry about catching himself in the mirror. He unzips the dress and very gently eases it off of the hanger. He steps into it and pulls it on. It fits like a glove, except he can’t zip it up in the back by himself. The skirt reaches the floor and hides his sock clad feet, so he doesn’t worry about that too much.  
‘’Jeremy, you ready?’’ Christine asks from the other side.  
‘’C-c-can you help me w-with my zipper?’’ he asks, and a moment later Christine is peering trough. He turns his back to her, very aware of the white fabric that clings to his back. He feels her grab the dress with both hands, pulling the two sides of the zipper together before tugging it closed.  
He turns around to face her again, and she takes the circlet from the hook and places it on his head. She takes a step back, gives him a once over.  
‘’Perfect.’’ she says, and exits. He follows her. Jenna is wearing the purple robe, and a dramatic black dress underneath. The staff is gnarled wood with a crystal fastened to the top. Simple but impressive.  
‘’You look like you walked right out of a fairytale.’’ Gem tells them. Christine beams as she hands over her phone.  
‘’I’m ready for adventure!’’ she exclaims, drawing the sword with a very impressive and convincing metallic sound. For the first picture they’re all just standing there, smiling as a group, then Gem starts directing them into dynamic poses. She snaps a picture of Christine and Brooke, back to back and weapons raised towards an invisible enemy, intense looks on their faces. She snaps a picture of Jenna with her arms raised, staff in the air and a commanding expression that would send anyone running in the other direction. If actual magic had sprouted from her outstretched hand Jeremy wouldn’t have been surprised. Gem asks him and Christine to pose, and Christine doesn’t hesitate with putting her arms around his waits and dipping him low. He can’t help the sort that escapes, but he puts his arms around her shoulders to make sure he doesn’t fall. It all devolves into chaos after that, and he’s sure they end up with at least a dozen group shots of them just goofing off, but it’s good. It’s fun. And he doesn’t remember being this happy and relaxed around people who weren’t Michael for forever.

Christine gives Gem one last hug, makes sure they put everything back where it belonged and that nobody had forgotten anything, and then they leave. It’s starting to edge closer to dinner time and while Jeremy has had an absolutely amazing day, he can feel the strain of spending an entire day surrounded by so many people. He just, doesn’t know how to say he wants to go home. Or he knows how to say it in theory, but he can’t actually make himself say it. He keeps trying to start the sentence, but the other are chatting between each other and he feels bad about interrupting them, so when he spots a familiar hoodie out of the corner of his eye, he takes the offered lifeline.  
‘’Michael!’’ he calls, knowing he’ll have to be a bit louder than he’d like to catch Michaels attention over the music of his headphones. He succeeds, luckily enough, and Michael pulls off his hood and his headphones as he heads in their direction.  
‘’Jere!’’ he greets once he’s within range, and the handshake is second nature.  
‘’You guys still here?’’ Michael asks, hitching his slipping backpack higher on his shoulder.  
‘’Yeah, though I think I’m about ready to head home, my mom’ll be missing me for dinner soon anyway.’’ Christine says.  
‘’Cool, you want a ride home?’’ Michael asks Jeremy, and he’s about to say yes without a moments hesitation, but he pauses, looks back at the others. Brooke seems to understand his dilemma.  
‘’It’s fine, I’m driving these two home anyway.’’ she says, gesturing to Jenna and Christine. Jeremy grins.  
‘’Th-thank you for inviting me, r-really. I h-h-had a lot of f-fun.’’ he says, and the Christines arms are around him. She’s gone as soon as she came, replaced by Brooke, and last but not least Jenna.  
‘’We’ll see you Monday.’’ Jenna says, waving goodbye to the two boys as she trails after Brooke and Christine. Jeremy can feel the smile stretching his face lingering even as they disappear out of sight. He turns and coaches Michaels eye.  
‘’Had a good day then?’’ Michael asks, indicating with his head which exit he’s parked at.  
‘’Yeah, it was fun.’’ Jeremy says, because non matter how tired he’s gone when he gets home, he’s going to be happy that he came along.  
‘’Find anything interesting?’’ Michael questions, gesturing to the few bags Jeremy is carrying.  
‘’Mostly just clothes, I’ve got a fresh new style.’’ Jeremy jokes, adding a wink for good effect. Michael chuckles, deep and rumbling, and Jeremy is reminded of the lion.  
‘’Oh hold on.’’ he says, pausing so he can rummage trough the bag he’s pretty sure contain the fluffy keychain. It doesn’t take too long to find it, and hides it in his closed fist, as best he can, as he holds it out to Michael. Michael raises an eyebrow, but holds how own hand out to accept the small gift anyway. Their fingers brush as Jeremy places it on Michael palm. Michael looks down, and the a smile blooms across his face.  
‘’Dude! That’s so cool.’’ he says, swinging his backpack so it’s hanging off one shoulder in font of him, and fastening the small clip onto the zipper. Michael admires it for a little before swinging his bag back and continuing to walk towards the exit.  
‘’Thank you.’’ he tells Jeremy as he catches up again. Jeremy smiles back, but stops short again as something in the bag catches his eye. It’s sparkly silver, and nothing like anything he bought. He fishes it out. It’s the circlet. He traces the swirls of metal wire. There’s a piece of paper taped to it. He snatches it off and looks at it. It’s a receipt from the costume shop, listen the circlet with quite the generous discount. There’s a trace of ink so he flips it over to see a big heart drawn in sharpie.  
‘’What’s that?’’ Michael asks him, and Jeremy doesn’t jump at his voice, even though he feels the surprise in his chest.  
‘’Christine knows someone who works at the costume shop, so we played dress up, kinda. I think she bough me this and slipped it in while I wasn’t looking.’’ he says, tracing the crescent moon. Michael looks at it, looks at him, then takes the circlet our of his hands gently, and places it on his head. This is becoming a trend, but Jeremy has to admit he doesn’t mind it all too much. Michael studies him for a moment, and then he smiles.  
‘’It’s looks good on you.’’ he says, and Jeremy can feel his cheeks heat up. This time he starts walking again before Michael.  
‘’So what did you get?’’ Jeremy asks, nodding at the clearly added weight in Michaels bag.  
‘’There was this thing called OK soda in like 1993, it was supposed to be aimed at gen Xers, from Coca Cola. It was discontinued in like 1995 though. It was all about like how things are gonna be okay and they tried really hard to appeal to the young generation and some people even think it was a whole plot by the CIA to get corporate america to like gen Xers more or some shit, and I’m rambling.’’ Michael finishes, looking sheepish.  
‘’I don’t mind dude, how else am I gonna learn absurd retro soda facts?’’ Jeremy says, bumping shoulders with Michael. He stays close, pressed shoulder to shoulder, for a moment, enjoying the solid feeling of Michael beside him.  
‘’That’s true.’’ Michael admits, smiling as they head out trough the revolving doors, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >;3c
> 
> ((so far i've got at least 2 more chapters in the making but i can't promise they'll all be this long))
> 
> as always i'm @actual-cryptid-leshy on tumblr  
> and thank you for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading!!  
> as always you can find me on tumblr @actual-cryptid-leshy


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